Dinggin ang Bulong ng Tadhana

Makisabay sa agos ng pagbabago...

Siguro, mas masarap mamuhay sa ating bansa kung tunay na "at home" ka dito.





Sa hinaharap.





Sana.





Work today to change tomorrow. -Yolanda Adams

Matagal ko nang nabasa ang article na to mula dito.



At matagal ko na ring gustong bumwelta ng counter-strategy para dito. Kaso, busy-busyhan ang Reyna Emperatriz kaya ngayon ko lang nagawang magsulat tungkol dito.



Isa itong kasulatan na may pamagat na How to Manipulate your Gay mula sa blog na Confessions of a Dirty Good Boy na akda ng isang "Boy de Jour".



Kung sino man siya, Bangsa MALAYsia!



Ngunit hindi ko maitatanggi na may kabuluhan ang kanyang isinulat kung kaya't pag-uukulan ko ito ng panahon.



Sa article na to, inilahad niya ang kanyang dalubhasang pamamaraan kung paano pa-ikutin at pagkakwartahan ang mga baklang marupok. In fairness, magaling siyang mag-psych at kabisado niya ang takbo ng utak ng karamihan sa sisterhood.



Pero hindi lang siya ang matalino.



Lagi mong tandaan mare, sa story of creation, umusbong mula sa pinagbiyak na kawayan si Malakas at si Maganda. Eh saan sa kwento ang mga beki? Edi syempre tayo yung kawayan. Choz! Kung tutuusin mo, angat tayo sa kanila sapagkat taglay natin ang parehong katangian ng dalawang kasarian. Pusong-babae, pero bitukang-lalaki. Oh, arte fa? Gamitin mo ang lakas at talino ng pagiging lalaki mo kasabay ng intuition ng pagiging feeling gurlash mo. And that's a deadly combination. Kung sa ibang version naman ng story of creation, nandoon si Adan at si Eba, wag mangamba sis! Nandoon parin tayo. Ploks! Tayo yung ahas. hahaha! Be ye therefore wise as serpents -ika nga nila.



Pag-aralan nang mabuti ang article na ito. At kasunod ng mga strategies na isiniwalat ni Boy de Jour ay ang mga side-notes ng inyong kamahalan upang mag-silbing counter-strategy. If you wanna play chess, be sure to win. Kaya ito na ang kember niya:




Everybody has a gay. Be it a lover, a friend, a professor, or a new acquaintance. A gay can be very beneficial to a boy, a young man, or someone who looks like either a boy or a young man.

With my expertise as a master mindgamer, manipulator, and damn fucking hot sex machine, I am now arguably the definitive go-to guy when it comes to training hustler wannabes into the art of manipulating a gay for benefits. I am now sharing them with you through the goodness of my heart. Listen well, my young padawans, and listen good.
***O, makinig na daw nang mabuti madz, final announcement na ng game rules. Mamaya na ang chismiz.

The key to successfully manipulating a gay for benefits is confidence. You must gain your mark's confidence through careful suggestions, hints, and behavior. It's not how good you look, how well built you are, or how big your dick is. It's all about how well you play the con game. I have long diagnosed myself to have malignant narcissism, and unless you can admit to having one as well, then you can not pull a successful con.


If you have worked in a call center long enough, or if you have experience working for Famly First, then you'll find this relatively easy.


First, some clarifications: at the heart of any confidence trick is the victim's (or "the mark", sometimes "the target") own greed. A good conman doesn't play with people's TRUST, he plays with their CONFIDENCE. There's a difference. People get tricked into scams not because they're trusting, but because they are confident that they will gain something great by engaging with the con artist.
***May point siya. Go on.

Thus, one should not feel sorry to con a gay. You can NEVER trick an honest gay, only the greedy ones, the ones with hidden motives, the ones with the secret desires, can be truly corrupted.
***Again, may point siya. Pero teka lang. At kailan pa naging justifiable ang manlamang, mang-uto at manggamit ng kapwa regardless kung kanong klaseng tao siya?! Anyways, yaman din lamang na gamitan ang gustong nilang laro, makikipaglaro tayo. 

***Before anything else, kailangan mong malaman kung ano talaga ang MOTIBO mo sa pakikipag-ugnayan sa anumang klaseng lalaki. Take note: hindi naka-segregate ang mga matino sa mga gagong tulad nito at wala silang placard o sash na nagsasabing "manloloko ako." Kaya which is which? That's part of the game my dear. Kung hindi mo kayang i-risk, edi iwasan na lang lahat ng lalaki! Basic. Pero imposible. Sa kati mong yan! hahaha... Dito pumapasok ang kahalagahan ng pagsuri kung ano ang motibo mo sa pakikipag-ugnayan sa mga lalaki. 

***LEVEL I: Easy mode. Kung tunay na busilak ang iyong intensyon, plain friendship lang at walang halong paglalandi, kalaswaan o tugon sa tawag ng laman, hindi problema ang mga lalaki. Sabi nga niya, You can NEVER trick an honest gay. Kasi kung wala ka talagang hidden interest, hindi ka mag-aaksaya ni singkong duling para sa kanya. Halimbawa, may kapitbahay kang lalaking mukhang tuko at nagkita kayo sa sari-sari store ni Aling Trining. Pag sinabi niyang "palibre naman jan kahit softdrinks lang," I'm sure ang isasagot mo ay isang malaking "at bakheeeet???" na mala-roderick paulate sabay high jump ng kilay mo. Gets? Dahil wala kang anumang interes sa kanya, hindi mag-wowork ang anumang strategy na nakalista dito. Unless na lang kung may fetish ka sa mga tuko. Pero that's another story. LEVEL II: Moderate mode. Kung ang motibo mo naman ay para lang makahada o heky galore all the way to the cherry blossoms of Japan, then pay close attention dahil para kang mag-shoshopping sa ukay-ukay. Baka kasi makabili ka ng Hermes bag sa halagang 500 na pwede namang 200 kung marunong ka sa tawaran. O di kaya, tumatanggap pala sila ng beauty card, hindi mo lang natanong. Gets ulit? At panghuli at ang pinakakomplikadong mode ay LEVEL III: Difficult mode. Ito ay kung crush na crush mo talaga ang lalaki at gusto mong makipagrelasyon dahil nga mahal mo na siya at hindi lang dahil sa tawag ng laman o ng notary public. Ang mahirap dito, hindi lang basta tawaran ang kailangan. You have the desire to PLEASE the guy and give him a reason to like you for what you can offer, and not simply for what and who you are. Dito mas vulnerable sa panloloko ang mga juding dahil ang puso na ang pinaiiral at hindi ang utak o laman.

***Matapos mong ma-determine ang goal for the day, ang step two ay to determine the type of guy you are hitting on. Kung pang level II lang siya, carebears na kung manipulative ba siya o hindi basta ma-close ninyo ang deal sa pinakamababang presyo. Ganyan ang kalakalang galyon. Oo, parang palengke lang yan. Laman din naman ang bentahan. Pero kung Level III, kailangan mong pag-aralan nang mabuti at masusi ang bawat kilos, salita, pakikitungo at response o reaction niya sa iyo. If naaamoy mo na ang alingasaw ng manipulasyon, kahit gaano ka slight, then reconsider your goal. Hindi ganitong klaseng lalaki ang minamahal gurl. You deserve better. I suggest changing mode to Level II at mag-gamitan na lang kayo dahil yun lang naman ang kaya niyang i-offer. Or abandon the mission completely if you're afraid of getting hurt. If you choose to go on, then read further.

Moving on... here are some pointers on how to successfully manipulate your gay for benefits.


I. Treat him like a man.


Gays enjoy the cursory illusion of being treated like "one of the boys". Call them "pare" as much as you can, they'd like that. EVEN IF they admit they're gay, you have to keep on ignoring that and pretend that you "don't believe" he is gay.
***Syempre masarap makasama ang mga boys. Lalo na kung kompurtable sila na kasama tayo. Wala namang masama dito. Just bear in mind that this could be a strategy and remind yourself often. It's not being paranoid, its being wise.

Say things like: "Pare, sumama ka lang lagi sa kin, gagawin kitang tunay na lalake." And "Pare, sayang ka, eh. Siguro, kung susubok ka lang ng chicks, makakabuo ka kaagad."
***Just give them a beautiful smile to make them think you are falling for their lines. And remind yourself of the stench of a clitoris. Try not to vomit as you do this.

Invite them to play basketball. Don't worry. They will never play basketball. Gays don't play basketball, they play volleyball. If your mark's a tall gay, then you can say things like "Pare, sayag, dapat nagbabasketball ka, dami mo siguro chicks." They will love that.
***Onaman, lalo na kung ininvite ka niya manood ng game nila. Mag-aala-cheerleader ka dun. With all the face towel and water. Ulirang girlfriend ang role. Okay lang naman mag-enjoy habang nakikipaglaro ka sa mga lalaki, basta keep your mind in the game always at nang hindi ka malihis ng landas. If you can, try mo sumali sa kanila magbasketball to break the stereotype of gays too soft for their kind of ball. Gulat lang nila! And chance mo ito makachansing day! Grab it. haha...

Pretend IGNORANCE. Even if your gay is starting to hint interest in you, IGNORE HIS ADVANCES in order to challenge him more. Gays are biologically male, and as such, are tied to the psychology of being excited when facing challenges.
***Tama siya dito. Ang bakla, kaya galante sa lalaki dahil kahit papaano ay lalaki pa rin ang mentality. Tulad na lang ng lalaking nanliligaw ng pesteng merlat, nagpapakitang-gilas ito in every way. Kung sakaling hindi ka naging bading, gagawin mo pa rin lahat ng panggagastos na yan sa babaeng nililigawan mo. Use their strategy of ignorance, though. It may come handy later. Always play dumb, wag lang careerin.

BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE: Never ever treat your gay like a woman. Treating a gay like a woman will make him believe you are interested in something romantic. He will start behaving like a girl, and like a true female, will start MAKING DEMANDS. You DON'T want that. You don't want your gay to send you messages like "Bakit di ka nagtetext?" or "Hmph." or asking you questions about the friends you're keeping.
***Can't argue with him on this. Good strategy, I must say. hahaha... Weakness natin ang pagiging feeling bilatra. But mind you, kahit pa tinuturing ka na niyang parang babae, be careful. Wag masyadong i-feel dahil most of the time, pambobola lang ito for you to fall for him even more. Acknowledge kunwari na naloloko ka. Pwedeng mag-blush. Pero always remember na alam mong its part of his gameplan.

II. Invest in Your Gay


Every peso you invest in your gay will have a profit margin of 10x ROI. Part of gaining a gay's confidence is making him believe that you are financially independent (You ARE financially independent; you just enjoy spending his money instead of yours) and are not interested in his money. This will also CHALLENGE him into OUT DOING the amount you have spent on him.
***Hindi lahat financially independent. Kung makaasta naman ito, kala mo ang saya-saya talaga niyang nakalamang siya. In fact, mas madaling baliktarin ang larong Level II kung naghihikahos ang lalaking magiging biktima ng iyong pag-aaswang. If you're really experienced in this, kaya mong paglaruang parang tuta ang lalaking purita gamit ang iyong salapi bilang buto. Do not attempt this strategy to guys who are "financially independent," though. Their strategy might just work. Kailangan mong alamin kung kailan appropriate mag-public display of wealth at kung kailan hindi ito makakatulong. Ipa-background check mo sa NBI ang lalaki mo. Choz! Madali lang itong malaman. Consider where he lives, the kind of food he eats, his type of clothes and syempre kung magkano ang allowance niya.
Treat a gay into a frappucino in the ballpark of 100-php and you can expect to be treated to a movie and dinner amounting to 1000-php. Wear a 500-php shirt, and he might give you a pair of 5,000-php shoes. This is mathematics.
***Gaya nang nasabi ko, alamin kung kailan dapat magpakitang-gilas at kung kailan hindi dapat. Don't offer him more than he deserves. Nilibre ka niya nang 100-php na kape, pwede mo siyang ilibre rin with a little more or less 100-php worth of whatever you can think of. Kung purita mirasol lang naman ang lalaki, enjoy a gourmet of street food with him. Naperahan ka man, konti lang at nag-enjoy ka naman kasama niya. Kaya quits lang! Wag mong dalhin sa mamahaling resto unless una siyang nanlibre ng ganoong halaga. 

III. Always Smell Strong


It doesn't matter if you smell good or you smell bad as long as your body scent is STRONG AND OVERWHELMING. Bathe in cheap Afficionado perfume (that is, if you can't afford original, expensive perfumes like I can) or don't shower for 3 days. This is an either-or tip.
***Again, another point well taken. See how clever he is in looking for our weaknesses? You must do the same for your guy. Look for his weakness and use it for as long as hindi ganoon ka mahal yung pesteng weakness na yun or else para ka nalang ding naperahan. As much as possible, use a weakness that doesn't involve money or buying just like the one he cited.

Gays are big on smells. They want to smell you a lot. A person's scent is a subconscious reminder to his significant others of his presence when out of the line of vision. You must establish your presence with your scent.


When playing rough with your "pare", make sure he gets a health dose of your armpits. Pretend you're not conscious of how you smell.
***Punyeta. Magaling talagang maglaro ang gagong to. This is especially effective lalo na kung may armpit fetish ka tulad ko. Warning: manghihina ka dito te. But as I have said, hindi bawal mag-enjoy habang nakikipaglaro. Wala namang mawawala sa iyo kung ipagdidikdikan ka niya sa kilikiki niya. Just remember na wala kang utang na loob sa kanya dahil lang sa sarap ng kilikili niya.

IV. Show Some Skin


Show some skin--BUT NOT A LOT, AND NOT OFTEN.


The technique is to give them a bit to stir their phantom wombs, but not enough to satisfy them, and not often enough that they get accustomed to your body. Never let a gay get familiarized with your physique, or you will lose the whole con altogether.
***This teasing act is used to make you want him even more. Again, mare, go ahead. Take advantage. Just reflect afterwards kung ano ang epekto nito sa iyo. Dapat aware ka kung bakit niya ito ginagawa para alam mo ang dapat mo isipin. Kung feel mo nadedehado ka sa laban dahil dito, atras muna sandali and get a hold of yourself.

V. Profit


Finally, when it comes to reaping the rewards of your hard work, do so subtly.


Make your mark think IT'S HIS IDEA to "help" you out. Never suggest a solution, but present "your problem" in such a way that the solution is clear, and he would make the leaps of logic easily without your help.
***Never volunteer any help unless asked. Never present a solution kahit alam mo na ang mga options. Play dumb dear. Make him say what he wants to happen. And once he does, don't agree to help just yet. Don't forget to make it clear what you want to gain out of helping him. But do not state that you want it in exchange for helping him out. Present it as if you also have your problem and make it seem that he can readily help you out with the solution you want. Make him think about it. Do not settle for any suggestion less than what you have in mind. He might attempt to offer other options to free himself of his part of the bargain. Do not let him. Make sure that you make him suggest that maybe you can help each other out. "BINGO ka day!" -sabi pa ni Annabelle Rama. hahaha... Edi everybody happy! He gets what he wants, you get what you want. Also, wag kang gahaman. Make sure na ang hinihingi mong kapalit ay fairly equal sa hinihingi niya sa iyo. Kung gusto niya lang ng burger, wag kang humingi ng kasal sa simbahan.

Sample dialogue: "So, yun. Di ko nga alam kung saan ako kukuha ng pang-tuition eh. Kung may mahihiraman lang ako, makakapag-bayad naman ako sa susunod na padala ni mama."
***Sample answer: At bakit hindi mo naman inabisuhan ng maaga ang nanay mo para nakapagpadala ng mas maaga? (Again do not ever offer your help unless he verbalizes it. Once he does, present what you want to gain.) I really want to help you kaya lang yung budget ko kasi nakalaan na para dun sa usapan namin ng kakilala ko (na kunwari magfufulfill ng kung anong gusto mong mangyari na kaya rin naman niyang ifulfill) Kung may iba nga lang akong options hindi na sa kanya. Kaya lang wala eh. (If he does not take the bait, do not give in to his favor.)

Always put up a token resistance. "Ano ba, nakakahiya naman. Baka sabihin nila, ano." is a classic reply to ANY AND ALL OFFER OF ASSISTANCE.
***Avoid this by not offering assistance at all. But you must make him see that you CAN if you really can.

Do not ask for anything; always pretend you're just "borrowing".
***Know that there's no such thing as borrowing in this kind of business.

When going around the mall with your gay, it would be helpful if you make your tastes clear in order to help him pick out a birthday/graduation/special occassion gift for you next time that he's alone. "Fuck, sayang, mahal pala tong bagong Nike Zoom Le Bron VI! Gustong gusto ko pa naman."
***Do not make him think that you are falling for this. "Sabi ko naman sa iyo diba, mag-ipon ka para kaya mong bilhin kung ano ang gusto mo. Wag masyadong gumasta sa di naman mahalagang bagay, para kung may gustong-gusto ka, edi mabibili mo agad." You appear concerned and helpful for his wellbeing. You can use these "likes" of him as a weakness later on.

Not all benefits are financial. You can ask your gay for help on matters concerning your studies, or for other opportunities:
***Hindi ikaw ang Lady of Perpetual Help kaya wag kang martir. Pwede kang tumulong pero hindi pwedeng ikaw ang gagawa ng lahat o ng majority ng trabaho.

"Shit, ambobo ko talaga. Babagsak na naman ako sa class kasi di ko magawa ng tama tong project ko."
***"Ano ba kasi yang project na yan? Baka maturuan kita paano gawin kung alam ko." (Take note: turo. hindi ikaw ang gagawa ng project.)

"Kung makakahanap lang ako trabaho, di makakatulong na ako kina mama."
***"Anong pumipigil sa iyo? Hindi naman ang trabaho ang lalapit sa iyo. Kailangan mong magsikap maghanap. Hayaan mo, samahan kita." (Oh, di may date ka pa.)

"Buti ka nga may auto, eh. Ako, pa-commute-commute lang. Kailangan ko pa naman pumunta ng Subic para pick-upin yung padala ni Mama sa tita ko dun."
***"Kaya mag sikap ka. Walang fairy godmother na pwedeng mag grant ng wish mo ng hindi mo pinaghihirapan."

Bonus Tip: One of the best scam to pull on a gay once you've gained his confidence is the Multilevel Marketing Scam Gay Version: "Pare, ayos yung in-ooffer sa akin nung kaibigan ko. 14,500 lang ang fee, tapos kada-2 downline, may 500 ako, plus automatic, 10,000 pesos na GC's sa Jennelyn Shoes at Play and Display. Sulit di ba? Yun nga lang, san naman ako kukuha ng 14,500. Sayang. Kayang-kaya ko mag-sali ng mga tao sa downline ko eh."
***"Sige, pag-ipunan mo yan kung gusto mo talagang sumali. Alam ko namang kayang-kaya mo yan eh. Ikaw pa." (Gaga ka na lang kung naniwala ka rin sa mga pyramiding scam na yan. Bakla ka na nga, tanga ka pa.)

This is an easy con to pull because your gay will be interested in the profit as well. He will see this as a joint venture.
***Gurl, gumising sa katotohanan. Ano kayo mag-asawa? Conjugal kunwari yung business? Loka. Pwede mo siyang ipasok sa trabaho kung may kumpanya ka o may kapit ka sa kumpanya. Siguraduhin mo lang na magtatrabaho talaga siya. Okay lang naman maging matulungin, pero dapat sa tamang paraan. Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for the rest of his life. Kung talagang mabuti siyang tao at deserving siya, mas ikatutuwa niya ito. He'll appreciate your presence in his life more for what you have helped him become than what you simply gave him. Syempre hindi lahat ng lalaki ganito, kaya back to the game ateng.

But of course, you're not really putting that money into any multilevel marketing scheme, are you? Not when you can afford a new cellphone with that money.
***See what I'm talking about? If you really need to spend (part of the bargain), as much as possible, don't give him cash. Buy or pay things WITH him. For all you know, your cash will be his next pocketmoney for his date with some cheap clit.

So, after a few weeks, you need to put on another act: "Putang... Ulol talaga yung Jhong na yun! Tinakbo pera ko! Uupakan ko yun pagnakita ko eh!"
***Yeah right! Try harder. So you see, mga sisteraka, wag masyadong magpadala sa tawag ng puso o puson. Maging tuso dahil tuso din ang kalaro natin. Manlalamang sila kung may pagkakataon, you must be very aware of this. Gamitin ang intuition ng pagiging half-merlat upang magabayan ng kutob, at gamitin ang utak ng pagiging half-keke upang hindi mautakan. Wag basta padadala. Tandaan mo: iba tayo. Angat sa karaniwan. Hindi ka lolokohin kung ma-fifeel nilang hindi ka madaling lokohin. At lagi mong tandaan na ang lalaking karapat-dapat mahalin ay yung hindi magagawang pagsamantalahan ang iyong pag-mamabuting loob at hindi kung anu-ano ang hinihiling o hinihingi sayo. Tanggap ka niya sa kung sino at ano ka at masaya siya sa piling mo, hindi sa kung ano ang pwede o kaya mong ibigay sa kanya. Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung may ganoon talagang lalaki. Siguro meron, pero nag-avail na rin ng membership card sa kapisanan natin. hihihi

There. I hope that helps. If you have any questions or clarifications, feel free to leave them in the comments section.



Yours,

Boy De Jour

***P.S.: Boy De Jour, my most sincere thanks for this post. Naway maliwanagan ang mga kaawa-awang kapatid ko sa pananampalataya at matutong lumaban nang patas.




Bakla rin ba siya?



Mukhang lalaki...



Matalas ang dila...



Mataray magsalita...



Matalino...



Baliw-baliwan...



BAKLA NGA!



Si Miriam Defensor Santiago ay isa sa mga taong tunay kong hinahangaan. Isang henyo. Isang piraso ng utak na tinubuan ng tao. Panalong-panalo ang mga linya niya. Pasok sa banga! Pang-Miss Gay beaucon lang ang kember. Kaya isa sa mga items sa bucket list ko (na hindi ko pa naisusulat) ay ang personal niyang ma-meet and greet. Carebears na sa pintas ng mga tao sa kanya. Kesyo "lunatic" daw... "Bipolar" daw sabi ng Prof. ko sa Psych... "Brendamage" daw... Keverlou Jackielou! Talagang hindi mo maaappreciate ang isang bagay na hindi mo ka-wavelength! Oh arte fa? Hala sige, igoogle kung ano ang wave length, dali!



At dahil sobra akong natutuwa sa mga baklang-baklang linya niya, heto at may I search and compile and repost for all to learn. TIP: Magmemorize ng tatlo, in case bigla mong kailangan magmaldita.



“Sir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation, I represent the majesty of the Republic of the Philippines. You have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut up, or I'll knock your teeth off!”
(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a televised press conference.)

“This is my message to aliens. If you are a desirable alien, welcome. If you are an undesirable alien, say your act of contrition, because I know what you're doing, and I'm going to get you!”
(At a TV interview, shortly after assuming her post as Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation.) 
“Gentlemen, I respectfully submit that if, after this dissertation, anyone still persists in opposing the alien legalization program, he must be suffering from low IQ!" 



“I will defend the alien legalization program, even if enemies stage demonstrations against me. The program is necessary, beneficial, and practical. I will not be dissuaded, even if my opponents start running around naked in Metro Manila!”
(Emerging grim-faced from her office as Commissioner.) 


“It looks like there's a rocky road ahead for the alien legalization program, despite its obvious merits. It will reduce graft in CID, earn billions of pesos for the national treasury, and focus limited law enforcement resources on alien syndicates specializing in heinous crimes, like drug pushing or pedophilia But I failed to convince the Senate, possibly because the IQ in this room is higher than in the entire Senate combined!”





“Some of them are devotees to a cult of self-praise. I refused to join that hallelujah chorus!”
(To a newsman's question of why some of her cabinet colleagues accused her of aloofness.)

“There is a scam in Malacañang. A cabal in the cabinet are selling the transcripts of cabinet meetings and they are circulated abroad. This is a scam, because most of the transcripts are worthless, considering that the contents are nothing but garbage.”
(At a radio interview, after returning from abroad.)

“I am prepared to dance the dance of the seven veils!”
(Just before attending her first confirmation hearing before the Commission on Appointments.)
“Congress and the cabinet are talking at cross-purposes. We are trapped in a political Tower of Babel. Our national leaders are accursed by glossolalia, or talking in different tongues.” 



“I have seen the future and I don't like it.”
(Emerging from her first confirmation hearing.)

I'm hanging in there by my fingernails. My lips are at the water line.”
(Her progress report to media on her pending confirmation.)

“If I don't get confirmed, I intend to stop inflicting myself on the public. I intend to stay home and learn how to crochet. I'll sit on a rocker, and watch my garden grown.”
(After the Commission bypassed her appointment.)

“I did not want to be Secretary of Agrarian Reform. I am not comfortable in the cabinet. Which post would I prefer? (Laughing.) Maybe I should be Secretary of National Defense, but I worry that I might precipitate a civil war.”
(Engaging in banter with the media, before a press conference.)


“I feel like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom.”



“I was absent at the last hearing, because I had to undergo a previously scheduled executive check-up at the Heart Center. It did not mean apathy about my confirmation. It only proves I am not immortal... Oh yes, I got a clean bill of health. I am disgustingly healthy.”
(After missing a session of the Commission on Appointments.)

“I was accused of almost every crime under the Penal Code, except adultery. At malapit na rin kaming dumating doon.”
(Explaining why confirmations hearings could be oppressive.) 


"Sir, you have the grin of Garfield the cat."
(To a member of the Commission, referring to a popular comic-strip character.)

“Pinaliwanag ko na, ayaw niyang makinig. Eh, kung hahamunin ko na lang siya ng suntukan?”





“In the spirit of Holy Week, which is approaching, I amend my previous offer to fight. Instead, I challenge him to take an IQ test with me in UP!”
(Of the same congressman. Miriam was a UP honor graduate and law professor there.)

“He is suffering from mental AIDS and needs a frontal lobotomy!”
(Of another congressman who included her in his attack on the Aquino administration.)

“The member of Congress treated me like an undesirable alien!”
(To the same question, asked during an open forum at a joint meeting of Jaycee Clubs.)

“Matapang silang manira sa akin. Pero wala namang matapang sa kanilang kalabanin ang mga sindikato. Alam naman natin, asawa lang nila, takot na sila, sindikato pa kaya?”





“There's no intelligent life down here. Beam me up, Scotty.”
(While riding the elevator in Congress, using a common expression in the popular TV series Star Trek.)

“Go stick your finger in the wall socket!”
(At a TV talk show, in answer to the question: “What is your response to the demand for your ouster by a few CID employees?”)

“Those crooks exhibit the epidermis of pachyderms. But I am prepared to fight them. I have cultivated intestinal fortitude.”
(Of CID employees who announced they would stage a demonstration and burn her effigy.)

“I will rub their noses in the mud, for mud is their natural habitat.”
(Of certain CID employees conspiring to invent charges against her.)

“They should be chopped into a thousand pieces and fed to the sharks in Manila Bay. But it is problematic whether the sharks will eat them, out of a sense of professional courtesy!”



“This is the concrete jungle, populated by savages. They are no longer bound by any canon of civilized conduct.”
(After a few CID employees whom she disciplined for graft hired squatters to stage a demonstration and burn her effigy. One of the squatters complained that he did not get paid.)

“Discombobulated moral retardates!”
(Of a few Department of Agrarian Reform employees who, upon her assumption to office after the Garchitorena land overpricing anomaly, immediately organized against her.)

“I will exterminate them from the face of the earth!”









“Those crooks, those criminals do not blush, do not suffer any shame or embarrassment peddling outright lies. And I thought that this is a Christian country where it's a sin to tell a lie.”
(Referring to a media blitz against her.)

“Of the total population of crooks and criminals in this country, one-half are pickpockets and the other half are holduppers!”
(After recounting a humorous anecdote during her tenure as a trial judge, when she tried a case for armed robbery against a holdupper, who pleaded innocent by claiming he was only a pickpocket.)

(To a journalist’s question: “What is your reaction to the many death threats received by your office?”)





“Death is only a state of thermodynamic equilibrium!”
(Before a congregation of nuns and other members of the religious.)

“It is not important to ask, ‘Will the CID Commissioner die a premature death?’ No, the more important question is: ‘Is there sex after death?’”
(To a question during an open forum at an inter-city Rotarian meeting.)

“As a doctor of laws, I have researched the question and shall now proceed to share the answer with you. Is there sex after death? Answer: Yes, but you cannot feel anything!”
(To a follow-up question at the same open forum: “Could you please tell us if there is sex after death?”)

“I have no intention of floating in the Pasig River!”
(To a question in an open forum of the Lions Club: “Are you looking after your personal security?”)

“The alien suspect claims he is ill and might die under detention. I assume full responsibility. If he dies, I shall probably be assassinated. Then we shall see each other in the next life and settle scores there!”
(To a journalist's question: “Are you willing to assume responsibility if this alien dies under detention?” referring to the celebrated arrest and deportation of an alien wanted by Interpol. The Supreme Court eventually upheld Commissioner Santiago, and the alien lived to go to jail in Hongkong.)

“I am not afraid of death threats, but I am appalled that so many people are capable of so much wrong spelling and fractured grammar!”





“Kung papatayin man nila ako, mumultuhin ko sila!”
(To a question during a radio interview.)

“I refuse to die at the hands of those intellectual pygmies!”
(Of alien criminal syndicates reportedly putting out contracts for her assassination.)

“I have no regrets. I tried to raise the consciousness of the Filipinos on the need to fight graft. The accident affects only my mortal body. It is a small price to pay for this good fight. I wish for my people to continue with the will to win.”
(Handwritten statement after sustaining near-fatal injuries in a highway collision that left her car a total wreck in 1991. Covered with blood, she was airlifted by helicopter from Tarlac to Manila, and on media request wrote this message at the back of her x-ray plate folder, inside the ambulance.)

“As the poet said, because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me. But as another poet said, although the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, I have miles to go before I sleep. As God has seen fit to spare of my life, I am committed to the pursuit of His justice, including the crusade against graft and corruption."

“No, there is nothing wrong with the shape of my legs. The bruises will heal in time. Come with me to Boracay Island within this month, so you can inspect the evidence. Res ipsa loquitur (Things speak for themselves)."

“I do not intend to accommodate the political vultures who are waiting for me to give up. Never!
(Handwritten answer to a media questionnaire submitted while she was hospitalized after the accident. Boracay Island is a world-famous beach resort, and Miriam's favorite place for swimming.)

“No, I don’t want to watch these clowns. I die a thousand deaths every time a corrupt politician appears.”
(Handwritten instructions to an aide who asked if Miriam wanted to watch a TV talk show, while hospitalized for the same accident.)

“I defy all this pain! I stand on my head and maybe contemplate my navel.”
(Handwritten note to her family after a painful session at the operating room for injuries caused by the same accident.)

“On the operating table, I seriously considered a breast implant.”
(On a TV talk show in 1991.)

“They have all the intelligence of political cockroaches.”
(Before a joint meeting of Rotary Clubs, referring to certain presidential candidates whom she claimed to be financing a media blitz against her.)


(Before a joint meeting of Jaycees Clubs, referring to paid members of PR firms carrying out the media blitz against her.)





“They are already salivating at the thought of becoming President.”
(Of presidential contenders plotting against her after she left government.)


"They met in the dead of night to plot against me, which is perfectly natural, for darkness is their natural habitat.”
(Of a "demolition crew" formed by a congressional leader and presidential candidate to launch a smear campaign against her.)


“He sounds like he is suffering from dyspepsia!”
(Of a mayor who made side remarks against her upon her arrival in his city.)


“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I will exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”





“That is the arrogance of power, the arrogance of the intellectual bonzai.”
(Of politicians making side remarks about her performance as a public official, claiming she is not a team player.)


“I predict that when the Supreme Court decides the pending case against him, he will have egg all over his face.”
(Of a public official who resented it when Miriam said his move to make a mass removal of government employees was unconstitutional. The Supreme Court eventually held so, proving Miriam was right.)


“I challenged him to a debate in UP or Ateneo campus. His reply was that he cannot debate with women. I asked around, and I learned that he cannot debate with men, either. In short, he simply cannot debate.”
(Of the same public official.)


“He is suffering from verbal diarrhea!”
(Of a public official who, while still in the process of investigating charges filed against her, kept on issuing press releases implying she was guilty.)


“Gusto ko sanang makipagkaibigan. Pero kung lalabanan ninyo ako, di subukan natin at tingnan kung sinong mauuna sa atin sa Intensive Care Unit!”
(At a CID flag-raising ceremony.)

“Yes, I go to mass everyday. Sometimes I pray that God might turn my enemies into pillars of salt.”





“Since you apparently refuse to get the point, I would be happy to educate you.”
(To a hostile TV talk show panel host.)

“You are about to witness a trial judge committing parricide with her bare hands!”
(To her son Archie, when he received two failing marks in Grade 6, because of adjustment problems after schooling in Geneva, Switzerland, where she worked with the United Nations. Archie recounted this incident in his article, “My Mom” published in the Sunday Standard magazine.)

“I do not have any strong desire to remain in government. When my task is done, I shall be happy to leave and enhance my lovelife with my husband.”
(Discussing with the press her hopes to retire early.)

“I am suffering from battle fatigue. I am catatonic with exhaustion. I can no longer distinguish my husband from the living room furniture!”





“I wish I had a daughter. I will have to exert myself in that direction, because my family is underpopulated.
(At the same press conference.)

“Alexander, finish your dinner, or I'll prove to you that God exists!”
(To her son Alexander Robert, when he was six years old, and during her stint as Immigration Commissioner she went home late and found him still at dinner. As a dilatory tactic, he attempted conversation by saying: “Mom, I've lost my faith in God. The problem is that there is no proof.” [This was recounted by Archie to a journalist.])

“This is goodbye. I shall not importune you any longer. I shall fade into the night like Batman.”



“Head-bashing is the best strategy. Sometimes I have to splatter their brains on the pavement.”
(After she was asked for the best way to fight graft.)

“The fixer is a person who nominally looks like a human being. But he specializes in creating misery for others, in order that he can offer to fix it for a fee.”
(Explaining to the CID press corps why she banned fixers at CID and ordered their mass arrest.)

“My management style? Spiritual fortitude, intellectual scholarship, and, (smiling) if all else fails, physical violence might prove salutary.”





“They were not only rebellious, they were malicious to boot. Naturally I got mad, but I restrained myself. No, I did not throw a chair at my employees. (Laughing) The accurate statement is that I may have rearranged the furniture.”
(After scolding a few employees who declared their intention to have her removed from the CID.)

“I’m very results-oriented, and I do have a kamikaze attitude. I don't care if I go down in flames, as long as my enemies and I go down in flames together. Or maybe you can call it the Samson-in-the-temple syndrome. I don't care if I destroy myself, as long as I destroy the temple of corruption. That would be a definite service to the community, don't you think?” (In a magazine cover story.)

“Tinawag ko ang lahat na CID intelligence agents. Tinuruan ko ng immigration law. Dinala ko sa CID Detention Center. Sabi ko: ‘Nakita ninyo itong kulungan? Sa ilalim ng batas, ang katungkulan natin ay punuin ang kulungan na ito. Kasya ang 50 na bilanggo pero ngayon ang laman ay limang dayuhan lang. Araw ng Lunes ngayon. Sa Biyernes, pag wala pang laman yan, kayo ang ilalagay ko diyan!”
(At a student convocation at the Ateneo de Manila University, explaining how she motivated CID intelligence agents to post a record high in the number of alien criminal suspects arrested and deported.)

(In 1988 at a CID press conference, when asked for the first time if she planned to run for president.)





“I have only entertainment value in Philippine politics.”
(In 1988 during an interview with a foreign journalist.) 

“This is the politics of cannibalism! We need a new politics, the politics of synergism.”
(In 1989, after the Commission of Appointments bypassed for the first time her confirmation as a cabinet member.)
 
“Barring public demand, any person who pursues the presidency out of personal ambition must be suffering from a basic genetic defect.”
(In a 1989 magazine interview.)
 
“Itong mga kalaban kong mahilig sa intriga ay hinahamon ako. Patutunayan ko na ang tunay na Pilipino, pag hinahamon, hindi umuurong!”
(In 1990, after the President accepted her resignation, amid rumors of her alleged sympathy for military rebels, which she denied.)   

“My ambition is more modest. I desire only to be known as the Demi Moore of Philippine politics.”
(After she first topped a presidential survey.)

“I am seriously contemplating entry into politics, for the pleasure of educating the non-educable.”
(In 1990, after certain politicians reportedly ordered a smear campaign against her.)

“Hindi ko susundin ang gusto nila! Ano sila, sinusuwerte?”
(Reacting to the proposal by a group of politicians hostile to her that she should not run for president, but only for vice-president or senator.)

“I do not subscribe to the school of thought that I am leading the presidential polls because of my beautiful legs.”
(After topping most presidential surveys in 1990.)

“Three factors are necessary for victory in the presidential polls: popularity, funding, and a political party. We have met all three. According to media reports, I have topped over a dozen presidential surveys, including a nationwide survey by Social Weather Stations, Inc. Because I am number one in the polls, the traditional sources of funding in the business community are making pledges of financial contributions, consonant with the Election Code. And I have filed a petition for registration with the Comelec of the People's Reform Party. It's all systems go! After all, (smiling) the psychics and fortune-tellers in Asia have only one, consistent prediction to make for our country in 1992 – that the next president of the Philippines will be another woman!”
(At a press interview, when journalists asked her to assess her chances as a presidential candidate.)

“First you say that I have a brilliant resume and an impressive track record. But then you propose that I should not run for president, but only for vice-president. Clearly, your conclusion does not follow your own premise. And you justify this illogic by claiming that I would be cheated by my rivals as a presidential candidate, so I should settle for becoming a vice-presidential candidate instead. Sir, if the rest of humankind had adopted your line of thinking, we would never have reached the moon, scaled Mt. Everest, or learned to fly. For in all these daring enterprises, people who should have known better said it could not be done. When I went to the CID to fight graft and corruption, the cynics also said it could not be done. But a person’s reach must exceed her grasp, or what’s a heaven for? Why did Sir Edmund Hillary climb Mt. Everest? Because it is there. Why am I fighting graft and corruption? Because it is here! That's why I'm running for president, and for no other post.”
(Answer at an open forum hosted by the Association of International College Women, who gave her a standing ovation.)

“Pinagmamalaki nila na dadayain daw nila ako sa halalan. Pinag-aralan ko na ang problema, at handa na kami. Subukan nilang mandaya, at makikita nila ang hinahanap nila!"
(Upon filing the petition for registration with the Comelec of the People’s Reform Party.)

"Itong mga kalaban natin, kapag madilim na ang Metro Manila, nagsisipagbangon sila sa mga kabaong nila, lumilipad sa kabilugan ng buwan, nagkakalat ng kanilang mga lagim!"
(In a speech before peasants and the urban poor.)

“I refuse to surrender to the cynics who claim that to reform Philippine society is ‘mission impossible.’ In the CID, by the grace of God and with the help of all the fine Filipino men and women, I am proud to tell you – we did the impossible!”
(Speech before the employees of the Public Information Agency, subsequently aired over radio networks.)

“The mathematician said: ‘Give me a place to stand, and I will move the earth.’ We shall move this earth, and we shall reform this country. All that I need is not a place to stand, but one moment in time.”
(At a commencement speech, using the title of the hit theme song of the 1988 Olympic Games.)

“We shall effect a turnaround in the culture of corruption. We shall energize ourselves by our own inner, moral strength. We shall plug into a power base consisting of the best and the highest values of the Filipino character. My countrymen, all that you need is to believe in yourselves! Have faith in the Filipino!”
(An excerpt of her famous extemporaneous oration during her 1990 speaking tour of the country, credited with elevating her to the top of the presidential polls.)

“The operative word is courage. What this country needs is the will to win. I challenge you to help me to twist the tail of the cosmos. I call on the youth to help me repair the moral damage on our nation.”
(First delivered before 1,000 cadets of the Philippine Military Academy, and subsequently became the standard conclusion of her extemporaneous speeches before the student assemblies.)

“When I was a schoolgirl, I wanted to be a nun. I would have taken the threefold vow of poverty, chastity, and obedience. But I had to abandon that ambition, because we were poor. As the eldest child, I had to help send my six brothers and sisters to college. Anyway, as CID Commissioner, I am living the life of a nun. My salary is very low, only P12,000 a month, and so in effect I have taken a vow of poverty. I am a lowly subordinate of the President, so I owe her the vow of obedience. And because I am too busy fighting criminal syndicates, I have no time left for my husband. So in effect I have taken the vow of chastity!"
(At a national convention of the Daughters of Mary Immaculate.)

“By the grace of God and with the help of our friends in the international community, we shall, at the end of this long and tortuous road, claim our just victory; for surely, the Infinite Administrator, even now, arranges the universe, in order that immutable good shall triumph over the vincible forces of evil.”
(Speech upon accepting the Magsaysay Award for government service, the Asian equivalent of the Nobel Prize.)

“President Aquino has the patience of a Tibetan monk sitting on top of Mt. Everest, contemplating infinity.”
(On a TV talk show in 1990.)

“Tangkaan na nila na ang buhay ko. Siraan na nila ng siraan ang pangalan ko. Basta hindi ako aalis sa gobyerno natin. Hindi ako hihinto. Hindi ako uurong. Hindi ako susuko. Dahil ano sila, sinusuwerte?”
(After a public relations firm placed print ads using the names of a few CID employees to call for her removal from government.)

“The chances of me quiting are like the chances of a snowball in hell.”
(To a few DAR employees who threatened to oppose her confirmation.)

“My public life closely resembles the popular science-fiction trilogy on screen, consisting of the movies entitled ‘Star Wars,’ followed by ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’ and ending with ‘The Return of the Jedi.’ In seeking to change the culture of corruption, I have to fight willy-nilly the superstars of the political underworld in this country. Although I am a definite underdog, I am not afraid of those corrupt superstars. Thus, the first chapter of my life should be entitled ‘Star Wars.’ Because I was able to conscienticize the public about corrupt politics, my enemies sought to avenge themselves. They refused to confirm me in the Commission on Appointments, until I was removed from the Cabinet. My enemies posted that evil victory, but until now they do not stop. Although already a private citizen, when I started leading the presidential surveys, they paid for a diabolic media blitz against me. Thus, the second chapter of my life should be entitled ‘The Empire Strikes Back.’ But we have not seen the end of this trilogy. For life, like theology, consists of the unceasing battle between good and evil. In the movie trilogy, the forces of good were called Jedi, while the forces of evil were called the Empire. I have no doubt that, in the end, the forces of evil in Philippine politics will triumph. Thus, I promise you, the third chapter of our life together shall be entitled ‘The Return of the Jedi.’”
(From a speech at the St. Louis University gymnasium in Baguio City where over 5,000 students gave her a standing ovation, presaging her phenomenally popular campus tour of the country, and prompting media to call her “the new campus heroine.”)

“I have no strong desire to remain in government, and I have no personal preference for any government post. But if you insist I prefer to collect garbage in Metro Manila.”





“The Manila Polo Club is too aesthetic for immigration officers.”
(As guest of honor at the induction ceremonies of the Immigration Officers Association held in 1988 at the Manila Polo Club in posh Forbes Park, the country's wealthiest neighborhood. She reprimanded the Association members for ostentation, and thereafter some Association officers sought to retaliate by calling for her removal.) 

“I defy my enemies. I challenge them: Do your worst, and I shall do my best! And we shall let the Filipino judge.”
(At a student convocation at the University of Santo Tomas.) 

“I’m surprised the photographer used that shot. He and I had an agreement that he would take shots of me swimming in the pool. I followed all his instructions, exactly as if I were a trained dolphin.”
(Explaining the publication in a metropolitan newspaper of her controversial photo in a bathing suit.) 

(At a student convocation at the University of the Philippines.)



 “Nandiyan na yan, kasama sa trabaho. Siguro mabuti na ngang lumabas yung litratong yon, dahil diyan mapapatunayan na pag sinabi ko ang vital statistics ko, totoo! Patunay na akong tao, hindi sinungaling, hindi kamukha ng mga kalaban ko!”
(Laughing at the same photo.)

"Ewan ko ba ba’t excited na excited tayo sa Amerika, kawawa naman tayo. Sinong sumulat nito? Dapat sapatusin din to eh."
(On a law that requires the Philippines to purchase military equipment from the US only unless there is a mutual agreement between the US and the Philippines allowing the Philippines to purchase from other countries)
"The problem with the Americans is that they are overpaid, oversexed, and over here."

"Poor you, Mr. Dela Paz, you are going to be lonely in your jail cell. You are trying to protect very hard people who should not be protected but should be removed from government."
(During the Euro generals’ hearing at the Senate) 

"Your personal attacks are below the belt and I don't wear one. Nimcompoops and dimwits!"
  
In a bid to change her image, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago announced Friday that she will try to show the public a “different side” of her personality by being more lighthearted and less hot-tempered, and telling jokes on occasion.

“I have realized that the public sees me differently from the person that I am in real life; thus, starting today, I shall strive to be more approachable, more friendly, and more easygoing in my daily actions and interactions especially with my constituents, for how can I, as senator of the Republic of the Philippines, former regional trial court judge, who was educated at the University of the Philippines and Harvard, and ex-future Supreme Court Justice, speak for the people when they cannot even speak to me freely and with no reservations?” she said.

She gave a demonstration of what she called the “new Miriam” by trying to tell jokes during a press conference in the Senate hall on Friday.

“How many regional trial court judges does it take to change a light bulb?” she asked the reporters.

“How many?” they replied.

“One half,” she answered, followed by a little laugh.

But the reporters just looked at her.

Noting their baffled expression, she proceeded to explain: “The joke lies in the assumption that the average RTC judge has an IQ of 200, and a menial task like changing a light bulb requires only an IQ of 100. But the joke is that the average IQ of an RTC judge is actually 150, so the computation is all wrong, which is what makes it funny.”

After a beat, she added: “Well, judging by your blank expressions, it seems the joke is lost on you, like all good jokes are lost on ignorant insects who cannot think for themselves. Well, let me tell you this: I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry if my sense of humor is so far advanced that it cannot be appreciated by those who remain lost in the prehistoric age where they deserve to stay and live like cavemen and speak like cavemen with no sophistication and basic common sense.”

Santiago tried another joke: “Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Miriam Defensor-Santiago.”

The reporters waited for the punch line – which never came.

Santiago then said: “Pardon me. I lost my train of thought there for a moment. I said my name by reflex but the actual joke has escaped me now. I will try to remember it and tell it to you next time. It is a very funny joke, but I simply forgot.”

The senator tried another one: “What is the best way to eat ice cream?”

“What?” her audience replied.

“With your tongue.”

The joke elicited a few chuckles, but most of the reporters just stared at her.

“Let me then tell you a semi-green joke. Everybody loves a green joke, and perhaps it is just the type of crass humor that your kind will appreciate,” said Santiago, who was starting to look more and more frustrated.

The reporters just nodded their heads.

Santiago asked: “What did the penis say to the vagina?”

“What?”

“May I come?” she replied. “Now, what did the penis say once it was inside?”

“What?”

“May I come in?”

After a beat, Santiago said: “Wait a minute, I believe I got it backwards. Let me do it again: What did the penis say to the vagina?”

From her speech during the Energy Summit in Pasay City, 2008: 
Problem: World Hunger.
Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people, until no one is hungry anymore.
Problem: World Peace.
Solution: Remove all humans from the planet.
Problem: Poverty.
Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.
Problem: Injustice.
Solution: It will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some reklamador will beat about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.
Problem: Overpopulation.
Solution: You all know what the solution is? Sterilize the population!
One last problem, this is a particular concern to me. This is the biggest problem of my life: STUPID PEOPLE.
Solution: Kill them! Only I, get to decide who lives.



The Tiger Lady of Asia

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