Dinggin ang Bulong ng Tadhana

Minsan may Isang Puta

2012-01-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Katha ni Mike Portes

Tingin ng mga bobong kapitbahay ko, puta daw ako. Nagpapagamit, binabayaran. Sabi nila, ako daw ang pinakamaganda at pinakasikat sa aming lugar noon. Di ko nga alam kung sumpa ito, dahil dito naletse ang kinabukasan ko.

Tara, makinig ka muna sa kwento ko, yosi muna tayo.

Alam mo, maraming lumapit sa akin. Nagkagusto at naakit. Ang hirap pag lahat sa iyo, virgin eh. Tinanggap ko naman silang tao, bakit kaya nila ako ginago? Hindi ko maintindihan ang mga nangyari sa akin. Bukas palad ko naman silang pinakitunguhan, ni hindi ko nga itinuring na iba. Iniisip ko na nga lang na kasi di sila taga rito kaya siguro talagang ganoon.

Tatlong malilibog na foreigners ang nagpyesta sa katawan ko. Sabi nila na-rape daw ako.

Sa tatlong beses akong nagahasa, ang pinakahuli ang di ko makakalimutan.

Parang maski di ko ginusto ang mga nangyari, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Kasi, ibang-iba ang hagod niya. Umiikot ang mundo ko sa tuwing ginagamit niya ako. May mga pagkakaton na nasusuka na ko sa mga nangyayari sa aming dalawa. Parang ‘pag humahalinghing siya, nararamdaman ko na nalalason ako.. Gusto ko mang umayaw, hindi ko makuhang humindi. Hindi ko din alam kung bakit. Ibang klase din kasi siya mag-sorry eh, lalo pa at inalagaan niya ako at ang mga naging anak ko.

Alam mo, parating ang dami naming regalo – may chocolates, yosi at ano ka! May datung pa! Nakakabaliw siya! Alam kong ginagamit niya lang ako pero pagamit naman ako nang pagamit. Sa kanya namin natutunan mag-inggles, di lang magsulat ha! Magbasa pa!

Nung kinasama ko siya, guminhawa buhay namin. Sosyal na sosyal kami! Ewan ko nga ba, akala ko napapamahal na ako sa kanya. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na kaligayahan namin, yun pala unti-unti niya akong pinapatay.

Punyetang buhay! Sa dami ng lason na sinaksak niya sa katawan ko, muntik na akong malaspag. Ang daming nagsabi na ang tanga tanga ko. Palayasin ko na daw. Taon ang binilang bago ako natauhang makining sa payo. Iniisip ko kasi na parang di ko kakayanin na mawala siya sa akin… Sa amin! .

Sa tulong ng ilan sa mga anak ko, napalayas ko ang demonyo pero ang hirap magsimula. Hindi nga ako sigurado kung nabunutan ako ng tinik o nadagdagan pa. Masyado na kasi kaming nasanay sa sarap ng buhay na naranasan namin sa kanya, kaya eto nabaon kami sa utang. Lubog na lubog kami sa pagkakautang, kulang yata pati kaluluwa namin para ibayad sa mga inutang namin.

Nakakahiya man aminin pero hanggang ngayon, sa tuwing mabigat ang problema ko, siya ang tinatakbuhan ko. ‘Yun nga lang, kapit sa patalim sabi nga nila. Para akong isang aso na nangagat ng amo, na bumabahag ang buntot at umaamo kapag nangangailangan.

Usap-usapan ako ng mga kapitbahay ko. May nanghihinayang, namumuhi at naaawa. Puta na kasi ang isang magandang katulad ko. Ang dating hinahangaan at humahalina ay nabibili sa murang halaga. Alam mo maski ganun ang mga nangyari sa akin, nilakasan ko pa rin ang loob ko. Kailangan makita ng mga anak ko, na masasandalan nila ako maski ano pang mangyari.

Maski ano pa ang sabihin ng iba, sinisikap namin na maging maganda ang buhay namin. Nag-aambisyon kami at nangangarap. Ayun, may mga anak ako na nasa Japan, Hong Kong, Saudi. Yung iba nag-US, Canada, Europe. ‘Yung iba ayaw umalis sa akin. Halos lahat, wala naman silbi. Masaya daw sa piling ko, maski amoy pusali ako.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko na nagsisikap na tulungan ang kalagayan namin, siya din ang dami ng mga anak ko na nanamantala sa kabuhayan at kayaman na itinatabi ko para sa punyetang kinabukasan naming lahat. Eto na nga ang panahon na halos di na kami makaahon sa hirap ng buhay. Napakahirap dahil nasanay na kami sa ginhawa at sarap.

Alam mo, gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa pagpuputa kaso ang laki talaga ng letseng utang ko eh. Palaki pa ng palaki! Paano na lang ang mga anak kong naiwan sa aking puder? At paano na lang ang mga anak kong nasa abroad? Baka di na nila ako balikan o bisitahin man lang? Hindi na importante kung laspagin man ang ganda ko, madama lang ng mga anak ko ang pagmamahal ko. Malaman nila na ibibigay ko ang lahat para sa kanila.

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa salamin, alam ko maganda pa rin ako. Meron pa din ang bilib sa akin. Napapag-usapan pa din. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ko sa salamin, nakikita ko ang mga anak ko. Tutulo na lang ang mga luha ko ng di ko namamalayan. Ang gagaling nga ng mga anak ko eh, namamayagpag kahit saan sila pumunta. Mahusay sa kahit anong gawain. Tama man o mali.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko, iilan lang ang may malasakit sa akin. May malasakit man, nahihilaw pa.

Mabigat dalahin para sa akin, ang katotohanan na ni minsan ay di kami naging isang pamilya. Halos lahat ng mga anak ko, galit sa isa’t isa. IIlan ang gusto magtulungan, naghihilahan pa. Madalas kong itinatanong sa sarili ko kung naging masama ba akong nanay para magturingan ng ganito ang mga anak ko?

Kanino bang similya ng demonyo nanggaling ang mga anak kong maituturing mong may mga pinag-aralan pero nakakadama ng saya at sarap sa paghihirap ng kapatid nila? Di ko lubos maisip kung saan impiyerno nanggaling ang kasikiman ng ilan sa mga anak kong ito. Sila pa naman ang inaasahan kong magbabangon sa amin. Nakakabaliw isipin na natitiis nila ang kalagayan ng kanilang mga kapatid na halos mamatay sa hirap ng buhay. Parang di sila magkakapatid sa tindi ng pagkaganid at walang pagmamalasakit.

Ang di ko akalain ay mismong mga anak ko, ang tuluyang sisira sa akin. Kinapital ang laspag na ganda ko. Masaya sila sa mga nabibili nila mula sa pinagputahan ko. Buong angas nilang pinagyayabang ang mga pansamantalang yaman at ang kanilang hilaw na pagkatao sa mga makakakita at makikinig. Talaga bang nakakalula ang materyal na kayamanan at mga titulong ikinakabit sa pangalan? Hindi ko maintindihan.

Minsan sa pagtingin ko sa salamin, ni hindi ko na nga kilala sarili ko.

Dadating na naman ang pasko, sana maalala naman ako ng mga anak ko. Ilang linggo pa, magbabagong taon na. Natatakot ako sa taong darating. Ngayon pa lang usap-usapan na ang susunod na pangbubugaw sa akin. Gagamitin pa nila ang kahinaan ng mga kapatid nilang alipin sa kalam ng tiyan. Sa tagal ng panahong ganito ang sitwasyon namin parang eto lang ang sulok na gagalawan ko. Sana may magtanggol naman sa akin. Ipaglaban naman nila ako. Gusto kong isigaw: “Ina ninyo ako! Pagmamahal nyo lang ang kailangan ko!”

Sensya na, ang haba na ng drama ko. Masisira na ang make up ko nito eh. Salamat ha, pinakinggan mo ako. Malaking bagay sa akin na nakausap kita. Ang tagal nating nag-usap, di man lang ako nagpapakilala.

Ay sorry, di ko nasabi pangalan ko.

Pilipinas nga pala.

Inang Bayan ni Rafael Buluran

A better Philippines

2011-12-10T12:22:00.000-08:00

Siguro, mas masarap mamuhay sa ating bansa kung tunay na "at home" ka dito.

Sa hinaharap.

Sana.

Work today to change tomorrow. -Yolanda Adams

Counter-strategy: MANIPULATE HIM INSTEAD

2011-09-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

Matagal ko nang nabasa ang article na to mula dito.

At matagal ko na ring gustong bumwelta ng counter-strategy para dito. Kaso, busy-busyhan ang Reyna Emperatriz kaya ngayon ko lang nagawang magsulat tungkol dito.

Isa itong kasulatan na may pamagat na How to Manipulate your Gay mula sa blog na Confessions of a Dirty Good Boy na akda ng isang "Boy de Jour".

Kung sino man siya, Bangsa MALAYsia!

Ngunit hindi ko maitatanggi na may kabuluhan ang kanyang isinulat kung kaya't pag-uukulan ko ito ng panahon.

Sa article na to, inilahad niya ang kanyang dalubhasang pamamaraan kung paano pa-ikutin at pagkakwartahan ang mga baklang marupok. In fairness, magaling siyang mag-psych at kabisado niya ang takbo ng utak ng karamihan sa sisterhood.

Pero hindi lang siya ang matalino.

Lagi mong tandaan mare, sa story of creation, umusbong mula sa pinagbiyak na kawayan si Malakas at si Maganda. Eh saan sa kwento ang mga beki? Edi syempre tayo yung kawayan. Choz! Kung tutuusin mo, angat tayo sa kanila sapagkat taglay natin ang parehong katangian ng dalawang kasarian. Pusong-babae, pero bitukang-lalaki. Oh, arte fa? Gamitin mo ang lakas at talino ng pagiging lalaki mo kasabay ng intuition ng pagiging feeling gurlash mo. And that's a deadly combination. Kung sa ibang version naman ng story of creation, nandoon si Adan at si Eba, wag mangamba sis! Nandoon parin tayo. Ploks! Tayo yung ahas. hahaha! Be ye therefore wise as serprents -ika nga nila.

Pag-aralan nang mabuti ang article na ito. At kasunod ng mga strategies na isiniwalat ni Boy de Jour ay ang mga side-notes ng inyong kamahalan upang mag-silbing counter-strategy. If you wanna play chess, be sure to win. Kaya ito na ang kember niya:

Everybody has a gay. Be it a lover, a friend, a professor, or a new acquaintance. A gay can be very beneficial to a boy, a young man, or someone who looks like either a boy or a young man.

With my expertise as a master mindgamer, manipulator, and damn fucking hot sex machine, I am now arguably the definitive go-to guy when it comes to training hustler wannabes into the art of manipulating a gay for benefits. I am now sharing them with you through the goodness of my heart. Listen well, my young padawans, and listen good. ***O, makinig na daw nang mabuti madz, final announcement na ng game rules. Mamaya na ang chismiz.

The key to successfully manipulating a gay for benefits is confidence. You must gain your mark's confidence through careful suggestions, hints, and behavior. It's not how good you look, how well built you are, or how big your dick is. It's all about how well you play the con game. I have long diagnosed myself to have malignant narcissism, and unless you can admit to having one as well, then you can not pull a successful con.

If you have worked in a call center long enough, or if you have experience working for Famly First, then you'll find this relatively easy.

First, some clarifications: at the heart of any confidence trick is the victim's (or "the mark", sometimes "the target") own greed. A good conman doesn't play with people's TRUST, he plays with their CONFIDENCE. There's a difference. People get tricked into scams not because they're trusting, but because they are confident that they will gain something great by engaging with the con artist. ***May point siya. Go on.

Thus, one should not feel sorry to con a gay. You can NEVER trick an honest gay, only the greedy ones, the ones with hidden motives, the ones with the secret desires, can be truly corrupted. ***Again, may point siya. Pero teka lang. At kailan pa naging justifiable ang manlamang, mang-uto at manggamit ng kapwa regardless kung kanong klaseng tao siya?! Anyways, yaman din lamang na gamitan ang gustong nilang laro, makikipaglaro tayo.

***Before anything else, kailangan mong malaman kung ano talaga ang MOTIBO mo sa pakikipag-ugnayan sa anumang klaseng lalaki. Take note: hindi naka-segregate ang mga matino sa mga gagong tulad nito at wala silang placard o sash na nagsasabing "manloloko ako." Kaya which is which? That's part of the game my dear. Kung hindi mo kayang i-risk, edi iwasan na lang lahat ng lalaki! Basic. Pero imposible. Sa kati mong yan! hahaha... Dito pumapasok ang kahalagahan ng pagsuri kung ano ang motibo mo sa pakikipag-ugnayan sa mga lalaki.

***LEVEL I: Easy mode. Kung tunay na busilak ang iyong intensyon, plain friendship lang at walang halong paglalandi, kalaswaan o tugon sa tawag ng laman, hindi problema ang mga lalaki. Sabi nga niya, You can NEVER trick an honest gay. Kasi kung wala ka talagang hidden interest, hindi ka mag-aaksaya ni singkong duling para sa kanya. Halimbawa, may kapitbahay kang lalaking mukhang tuko at nagkita kayo sa sari-sari store ni Aling Trining. Pag sinabi niyang "palibre naman jan kahit softdrinks lang," I'm sure ang isasagot mo ay isang malaking "at bakheeeet???" na mala-roderick paulate sabay high jump ng kilay mo. Gets? Dahil wala kang anumang interes sa kanya, hindi mag-wowork ang anumang strategy na nakalista dito. Unless na lang kung may fetish ka sa mga tuko. Pero that's another story. LEVEL II: Moderate mode. Kung ang motibo mo naman ay para lang makahada o heky galore all the way to the cherry blossoms of Japan, then pay close attention dahil para kang mag-shoshopping sa ukay-ukay. Baka kasi makabili ka ng Hermes bag sa halagang 500 na pwede namang 200 kung marunong ka sa tawaran. O di kaya, tumatanggap pala sila ng beauty card, hindi mo lang natanong. Gets ulit? At panghuli at ang pinakakomplikadong mode ay LEVEL III: Difficult mode. Ito ay kung crush na crush mo talaga ang lalaki at gusto mong makipagrelasyon dahil nga mahal mo na siya at hindi lang dahil sa tawag ng laman o ng notary public. Ang mahirap dito, hindi lang basta tawaran ang kailangan. You have the desire to PLEASE the guy and give him a reason to like you for what you can offer, and not simply for what and who you are. Dito mas vulnerable sa panloloko ang mga juding dahil ang puso na ang pinaiiral at hindi ang utak o laman.

***Matapos mong ma-determine ang goal for the day, ang step two ay to determine the type of guy you are hitting on. Kung pang level II lang siya, carebears na kung manipulative ba siya o hindi basta ma-close ninyo ang deal sa pinakamababang presyo. Ganyan ang kalakalang galyon. Oo, parang palengke lang yan. Laman din naman ang bentahan. Pero kung Level III, kailangan mong pag-aralan nang mabuti at masusi ang bawat kilos, salita, pakikitungo at response o reaction niya sa iyo. If naaamoy mo na ang alingasaw ng manipulasyon, kahit gaano ka slight, then reconsider your goal. Hindi ganitong klaseng lalaki ang minamahal gurl. You deserve better. I suggest changing mode to Level II at mag-gamitan na lang kayo dahil yun lang naman ang kaya niyang i-offer. Or abandon the mission completely if you're afraid of getting hurt. If you choose to go on, then read further.

Moving on... here are some pointers on how to successfully manipulate your gay for benefits.

I. Treat him like a man.

Gays enjoy the cursory illusion of being treated like "one of the boys". Call them "pare" as much as you can, they'd like that. EVEN IF they admit they're gay, you have to keep on ignoring that and pretend that you "don't believe" he is gay. ***Syempre masarap makasama ang mga boys. Lalo na kung kompurtable sila na kasama tayo. Wala namang masama dito. Just bear in mind that this could be a strategy and remind yourself often. It's not being paranoid, its being wise.

Say things like: "Pare, sumama ka lang lagi sa kin, gagawin kitang tunay na lalake." And "Pare, sayang ka, eh. Siguro, kung susubok ka lang ng chicks, makakabuo ka kaagad." ***Just give them a beautiful smile to make them think you are falling for their lines. And remind yourself of the stench of a clitoris. Try not to vomit as you do this.

Invite them to play basketball. Don't worry. They will never play basketball. Gays don't play basketball, they play volleyball. If your mark's a tall gay, then you can say things like "Pare, sayag, dapat nagbabasketball ka, dami mo siguro chicks." They will love that. ***Onaman, lalo na kung ininvite ka niya manood ng game nila. Mag-aala-cheerleader ka dun. With all the face towel and water. Ulirang girlfriend ang role. Okay lang naman mag-enjoy habang nakikipaglaro ka sa mga lalaki, basta keep your mind in the game always at nang hindi ka malihis ng landas. If you can, try mo sumali sa kanila magbasketball to break the stereotype of gays too soft for their kind of ball. Gulat lang nila! And chance mo ito makachansing day! Grab it. haha...

Pretend IGNORANCE. Even if your gay is starting to hint interest in you, IGNORE HIS ADVANCES in order to challenge him more. Gays are biologically male, and as such, are tied to the psychology of being excited when facing challenges. ***Tama siya dito. Ang bakla, kaya galante sa lalaki dahil kahit papaano ay lalaki pa rin ang mentality. Tulad na lang ng lalaking nanliligaw ng pesteng merlat, nagpapakitang-gilas ito in every way. Kung sakaling hindi ka naging bading, gagawin mo pa rin lahat ng panggagastos na yan sa babaeng nililigawan mo. Use their strategy of ignorance, though. It may come handy later. Always play dumb, wag lang careerin.

BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE: Never ever treat your gay like a woman. Treating a gay like a woman will make him believe you are interested in something romantic. He will start behaving like a girl, and like a true female, will start MAKING DEMANDS. You DON'T want that. You don't want your gay to send you messages like "Bakit di ka nagtetext?" or "Hmph." or asking you questions about the friends you're keeping. ***Can't argue with him on this. Good strategy, I must say. hahaha... Weakness natin ang pagiging feeling bilatra. But mind you, kahit pa tinuturing ka na niyang parang babae, be careful. Wag masyadong i-feel dahil most of the time, pambobola lang ito for you to fall for him even more. Acknowledge kunwari na naloloko ka. Pwedeng mag-blush. Pero always remember na alam mong its part of his gameplan.

II. Invest in Your Gay

Every peso you invest in your gay will have a profit margin of 10x ROI. Part of gaining a gay's confidence is making him believe that you are financially independent (You ARE financially independent; you just enjoy spending his money instead of yours) and are not interested in his money. This will also CHALLENGE him into OUT DOING the amount you have spent on him. ***Hindi lahat financially independent. Kung makaasta naman ito, kala mo ang saya-saya talaga niyang nakalamang siya. In fact, mas madaling baliktarin ang larong Level II kung naghihikahos ang lalaking magiging biktima ng iyong pag-aaswang. If you're really experienced in this, kaya mong paglaruang parang tuta ang lalaking purita gamit ang iyong salapi bilang buto. Do not attempt this strategy to guys who are "financially independent," though. Their strategy might just work. Kailangan mong alamin kung kailan appropriate mag-public display of wealth at kung kailan hindi ito makakatulong. Ipa-background check mo sa NBI ang lalaki mo. Choz! Madali lang itong malaman. Consider where he lives, the kind of food he eats, his type of clothes and syempre kung magkano ang allowance niya.
Treat a gay into a frappucino in the ballpark of 100-php and you can expect to be treated to a movie and dinner amounting to 1000-php. Wear a 500-php shirt, and he might give you a pair of 5,000-php shoes. This is mathematics. ***Gaya nang nasabi ko, alamin kung kailan dapat magpakitang-gilas at kung kailan hindi dapat. Don't offer him more than he deserves. Nilibre ka niya nang 100-php na kape, pwede mo siyang ilibre rin with a little more or less 100-php worth of whatever you can think of. Kung purita mirasol lang naman ang lalaki, enjoy a gourmet of street food with him. Naperahan ka man, konti lang at nag-enjoy ka naman kasama niya. Kaya quits lang! Wag mong dalhin sa mamahaling resto unless una siyang nanlibre ng ganoong halaga.

III. Always Smell Strong

It doesn't matter if you smell good or you smell bad as long as your body scent is STRONG AND OVERWHELMING. Bathe in cheap Afficionado perfume (that is, if you can't afford original, expensive perfumes like I can) or don't shower for 3 days. This is an either-or tip. ***Again, another point well taken. See how clever he is in looking for our weaknesses? You must do the same for your guy. Look for his weakness and use it for as long as hindi ganoon ka mahal yung pesteng weakness na yun or else para ka nalang ding naperahan. As much as possible, use a weakness that doesn't involve money or buying just like the one he cited.

Gays are big on smells. They want to smell you a lot. A person's scent is a subconscious reminder to his significant others of his presence when out of the line of vision. You must establish your presence with your scent.

When playing rough with your "pare", make sure he gets a health dose of your armpits. Pretend you're not conscious of how you smell. ***Punyeta. Magaling talagang maglaro ang gagong to. This is especially effective lalo na kung may armpit fetish ka tulad ko. Warning: manghihina ka dito te. But as I have said, hindi bawal mag-enjoy habang nakikipaglaro. Wala namang mawawala sa iyo kung ipagdidikdikan ka niya sa kilikiki niya. Just remember na wala kang utang na loob sa kanya dahil lang sa sarap ng kilikili niya.

IV. Show Some Skin

Show some skin--BUT NOT A LOT, AND NOT OFTEN.

The technique is to give them a bit to stir their phantom wombs, but not enough to satisfy them, and not often enough that they get accustomed to your body. Never let a gay get familiarized with your physique, or you will lose the whole con altogether. ***This teasing act is used to make you want him even more. Again, mare, go ahead. Take advantage. Just reflect afterwards kung ano ang epekto nito sa iyo. Dapat aware ka kung bakit niya ito ginagawa para alam mo ang dapat mo isipin. Kung feel mo nadedehado ka sa laban dahil dito, atras muna sandali and get a hold of yourself.

V. Profit

Finally, when it comes to reaping the rewards of your hard work, do so subtly.

Make your mark think IT'S HIS IDEA to "help" you out. Never suggest a solution, but present "your problem" in such a way that the solution is clear, and he would make the leaps of logic easily without your help. ***Never volunteer any help unless asked. Never present a solution kahit alam mo na ang mga options. Play dumb dear. Make him say what he wants to happen. And once he does, don't agree to help just yet. Don't forget to make it clear what you want to gain out of helping him. But do not state that you want it in exchange for helping him out. Present it as if you also have your problem and make it seem that he can readily help you out with the solution you want. Make him think about it. Do not settle for any suggestion less than what you have in mind. He might attempt to offer other options to free himself of his part of the bargain. Do not let him. Make sure that you make him suggest that maybe you can help each other out. "BINGO ka day!" -sabi pa ni Annabelle Rama. hahaha... Edi everybody happy! He gets what he wants, you get what you want. Also, wag kang gahaman. Make sure na ang hinihingi mong kapalit ay fairly equal sa hinihingi niya sa iyo. Kung gusto niya lang ng burger, wag kang humingi ng kasal sa simbahan.

Sample dialogue: "So, yun. Di ko nga alam kung saan ako kukuha ng pang-tuition eh. Kung may mahihiraman lang ako, makakapag-bayad naman ako sa susunod na padala ni mama." ***Sample answer: At bakit hindi mo naman inabisuhan ng maaga ang nanay mo para nakapagpadala ng mas maaga? (Again do not ever offer your help unless he verbalizes it. Once he does, present what you want to gain.) I really want to help you kaya lang yung budget ko kasi nakalaan na para dun sa usapan namin ng kakilala ko (na kunwari magfufulfill ng kung anong gusto mong mangyari na kaya rin naman niyang ifulfill) Kung may iba nga lang akong options hindi na sa kanya. Kaya lang wala eh. (If he does not take the bait, do not give in to his favor.)

Always put up a token resistance. "Ano ba, nakakahiya naman. Baka sabihin nila, ano." is a classic reply to ANY AND ALL OFFER OF ASSISTANCE. ***Avoid this by not offering assistance at all. But you must make him see that you CAN if you really can.

Do not ask for anything; always pretend you're just "borrowing". ***Know that there's no such thing as borrowing in this kind of business.

When going around the mall with your gay, it would be helpful if you make your tastes clear in order to help him pick out a birthday/graduation/special occassion gift for you next time that he's alone. "Fuck, sayang, mahal pala tong bagong Nike Zoom Le Bron VI! Gustong gusto ko pa naman." ***Do not make him think that you are falling for this. "Sabi ko naman sa iyo diba, mag-ipon ka para kaya mong bilhin kung ano ang gusto mo. Wag masyadong gumasta sa di naman mahalagang bagay, para kung may gustong-gusto ka, edi mabibili mo agad." You appear concerned and helpful for his wellbeing. You can use these "likes" of him as a weakness later on.

Not all benefits are financial. You can ask your gay for help on matters concerning your studies, or for other opportunities: ***Hindi ikaw ang Lady of Perpetual Help kaya wag kang martir. Pwede kang tumulong pero hindi pwedeng ikaw ang gagawa ng lahat o ng majority ng trabaho.

"Shit, ambobo ko talaga. Babagsak na naman ako sa class kasi di ko magawa ng tama tong project ko." ***"Ano ba kasi yang project na yan? Baka maturuan kita paano gawin kung alam ko." (Take note: turo. hindi ikaw ang gagawa ng project.)

"Kung makakahanap lang ako trabaho, di makakatulong na ako kina mama." ***"Anong pumipigil sa iyo? Hindi naman ang trabaho ang lalapit sa iyo. Kailangan mong magsikap maghanap. Hayaan mo, samahan kita." (Oh, di may date ka pa.)

"Buti ka nga may auto, eh. Ako, pa-commute-commute lang. Kailangan ko pa naman pumunta ng Subic para pick-upin yung padala ni Mama sa tita ko dun." ***"Kaya mag sikap ka. Walang fairy godmother na pwedeng mag grant ng wish mo ng hindi mo pinaghihirapan."

Bonus Tip: One of the best scam to pull on a gay once you've gained his confidence is the Multilevel Marketing Scam Gay Version: "Pare, ayos yung in-ooffer sa akin nung kaibigan ko. 14,500 lang ang fee, tapos kada-2 downline, may 500 ako, plus automatic, 10,000 pesos na GC's sa Jennelyn Shoes at Play and Display. Sulit di ba? Yun nga lang, san naman ako kukuha ng 14,500. Sayang. Kayang-kaya ko mag-sali ng mga tao sa downline ko eh." ***"Sige, pag-ipunan mo yan kung gusto mo talagang sumali. Alam ko namang kayang-kaya mo yan eh. Ikaw pa." (Gaga ka na lang kung naniwala ka rin sa mga pyramiding scam na yan. Bakla ka na nga, tanga ka pa.)

This is an easy con to pull because your gay will be interested in the profit as well. He will see this as a joint venture. ***Gurl, gumising sa katotohanan. Ano kayo mag-asawa? Conjugal kunwari yung business? Loka. Pwede mo siyang ipasok sa trabaho kung may kumpanya ka o may kapit ka sa kumpanya. Siguraduhin mo lang na magtatrabaho talaga siya. Okay lang naman maging matulungin, pero dapat sa tamang paraan. Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for the rest of his life. Kung talagang mabuti siyang tao at deserving siya, mas ikatutuwa niya ito. He'll appreciate your presence in his life more for what you have helped him become than what you simply gave him. Syempre hindi lahat ng lalaki ganito, kaya back to the game ateng.

But of course, you're not really putting that money into any multilevel marketing scheme, are you? Not when you can afford a new cellphone with that money. ***See what I'm talking about? If you really need to spend (part of the bargain), as much as possible, don't give him cash. Buy or pay things WITH him. For all you know, your cash will be his next pocketmoney for his date with some cheap clit.

So, after a few weeks, you need to put on another act: "Putang... Ulol talaga yung Jhong na yun! Tinakbo pera ko! Uupakan ko yun pagnakita ko eh!" ***Yeah right! Try harder. So you see, mga sisteraka, wag masyadong magpadala sa tawag ng puso o puson. Maging tuso dahil tuso din ang kalaro natin. Manlalamang sila kung may pagkakataon, you must be very aware of this. Gamitin ang intuition ng pagiging half-merlat upang magabayan ng kutob, at gamitin ang utak ng pagiging half-keke upang hindi mautakan. Wag basta padadala. Tandaan mo: iba tayo. Angat sa karaniwan. Hindi ka lolokohin kung ma-fifeel nilang hindi ka madaling lokohin. At lagi mong tandaan na ang lalaking karapat-dapat mahalin ay yung hindi magagawang pagsamantalahan ang iyong pag-mamabuting loob at hindi kung anu-ano ang hinihiling o hinihingi sayo. Tanggap ka niya sa kung sino at ano ka at masaya siya sa piling mo, hindi sa kung ano ang pwede o kaya mong ibigay sa kanya. Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung may ganoon talagang lalaki. Siguro meron, pero nag-avail na rin ng membership card sa kapisanan natin. hihihi

There. I hope that helps. If you have any questions or clarifications, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Yours,

Boy De Jour

***P.S.: Boy De Jour, my most sincere thanks for this post. Naway maliwanagan ang mga kaawa-awang kapatid ko sa pananampalataya at matutong lumaban nang patas.

Bakla rin ba siya?

2011-05-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

Bakla rin ba siya?

Mukhang lalaki...

Matalas ang dila...

Mataray magsalita...

Matalino...

Baliw-baliwan...

BAKLA NGA!

Si Miriam Defensor Santiago ay isa sa mga taong tunay kong hinahangaan. Isang henyo. Isang piraso ng utak na tinubuan ng tao. Panalong-panalo ang mga linya niya. Pasok sa banga! Pang-Miss Gay beaucon lang ang kember. Kaya isa sa mga items sa bucket list ko (na hindi ko pa naisusulat) ay ang personal niyang ma-meet and greet. Carebears na sa pintas ng mga tao sa kanya. Kesyo "lunatic" daw... "Bipolar" daw sabi ng Prof. ko sa Psych... "Brendamage" daw... Keverlou Jackielou! Talagang hindi mo maaappreciate ang isang bagay na hindi mo ka-wavelength! Oh arte fa? Hala sige, igoogle kung ano ang wave length, dali!

At dahil sobra akong natutuwa sa mga baklang-baklang linya niya, heto at may I search and compile and repost for all to learn. TIP: Magmemorize ng tatlo, in case bigla mong kailangan magmaldita.

“Sir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation, I represent the majesty of the Republic of the Philippines. You have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut up, or I'll knock your teeth off!”
(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a televised press conference.)

“This is my message to aliens. If you are a desirable alien, welcome. If you are an undesirable alien, say your act of contrition, because I know what you're doing, and I'm going to get you!”
(At a TV interview, shortly after assuming her post as Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation.)

“Gentlemen, I respectfully submit that if, after this dissertation, anyone still persists in opposing the alien legalization program, he must be suffering from low IQ!"

“I will defend the alien legalization program, even if enemies stage demonstrations against me. The program is necessary, beneficial, and practical. I will not be dissuaded, even if my opponents start running around naked in Metro Manila!”
(Emerging grim-faced from her office as Commissioner.)

“It looks like there's a rocky road ahead for the alien legalization program, despite its obvious merits. It will reduce graft in CID, earn billions of pesos for the national treasury, and focus limited law enforcement resources on alien syndicates specializing in heinous crimes, like drug pushing or pedophilia But I failed to convince the Senate, possibly because the IQ in this room is higher than in the entire Senate combined!”

“Some of them are devotees to a cult of self-praise. I refused to join that hallelujah chorus!”
(To a newsman's question of why some of her cabinet colleagues accused her of aloofness.)

“There is a scam in Malacañang. A cabal in the cabinet are selling the transcripts of cabinet meetings and they are circulated abroad. This is a scam, because most of the transcripts are worthless, considering that the contents are nothing but garbage.”
(At a radio interview, after returning from abroad.)

“I am prepared to dance the dance of the seven veils!”
(Just before attending her first confirmation hearing before the Commission on Appointments.)

“Congress and the cabinet are talking at cross-purposes. We are trapped in a political Tower of Babel. Our national leaders are accursed by glossolalia, or talking in different tongues.”

“I have seen the future and I don't like it.”
(Emerging from her first confirmation hearing.)

“I'm hanging in there by my fingernails. My lips are at the water line.”
(Her progress report to media on her pending confirmation.)

“If I don't get confirmed, I intend to stop inflicting myself on the public. I intend to stay home and learn how to crochet. I'll sit on a rocker, and watch my garden grown.”
(After the Commission bypassed her appointment.)

“I did not want to be Secretary of Agrarian Reform. I am not comfortable in the cabinet. Which post would I prefer? (Laughing.) Maybe I should be Secretary of National Defense, but I worry that I might precipitate a civil war.”
(Engaging in banter with the media, before a press conference.)

“I feel like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom.”

“I was absent at the last hearing, because I had to undergo a previously scheduled executive check-up at the Heart Center. It did not mean apathy about my confirmation. It only proves I am not immortal... Oh yes, I got a clean bill of health. I am disgustingly healthy.”
(After missing a session of the Commission on Appointments.)

“I was accused of almost every crime under the Penal Code, except adultery. At malapit na rin kaming dumating doon.”
(Explaining why confirmations hearings could be oppressive.)

"Sir, you have the grin of Garfield the cat."
(To a member of the Commission, referring to a popular comic-strip character.)

“Pinaliwanag ko na, ayaw niyang makinig. Eh, kung hahamunin ko na lang siya ng suntukan?”

“In the spirit of Holy Week, which is approaching, I amend my previous offer to fight. Instead, I challenge him to take an IQ test with me in UP!”
(Of the same congressman. Miriam was a UP honor graduate and law professor there.)

“He is suffering from mental AIDS and needs a frontal lobotomy!”
(Of another congressman who included her in his attack on the Aquino administration.)

“The member of Congress treated me like an undesirable alien!”
(To the same question, asked during an open forum at a joint meeting of Jaycee Clubs.)

“Matapang silang manira sa akin. Pero wala namang matapang sa kanilang kalabanin ang mga sindikato. Alam naman natin, asawa lang nila, takot na sila, sindikato pa kaya?”

“There's no intelligent life down here. Beam me up, Scotty.”
(While riding the elevator in Congress, using a common expression in the popular TV series Star Trek.)

“Go stick your finger in the wall socket!”
(At a TV talk show, in answer to the question: “What is your response to the demand for your ouster by a few CID employees?”)

“Those crooks exhibit the epidermis of pachyderms. But I am prepared to fight them. I have cultivated intestinal fortitude.”
(Of CID employees who announced they would stage a demonstration and burn her effigy.)

“I will rub their noses in the mud, for mud is their natural habitat.”
(Of certain CID employees conspiring to invent charges against her.)

“They should be chopped into a thousand pieces and fed to the sharks in Manila Bay. But it is problematic whether the sharks will eat them, out of a sense of professional courtesy!”

“This is the concrete jungle, populated by savages. They are no longer bound by any canon of civilized conduct.”
(After a few CID employees whom she disciplined for graft hired squatters to stage a demonstration and burn her effigy. One of the squatters complained that he did not get paid.)

“Discombobulated moral retardates!”
(Of a few Department of Agrarian Reform employees who, upon her assumption to office after the Garchitorena land overpricing anomaly, immediately organized against her.)

“I will exterminate them from the face of the earth!”

“Those crooks, those criminals do not blush, do not suffer any shame or embarrassment peddling outright lies. And I thought that this is a Christian country where it's a sin to tell a lie.”
(Referring to a media blitz against her.)

“Of the total population of crooks and criminals in this country, one-half are pickpockets and the other half are holduppers!”
(After recounting a humorous anecdote during her tenure as a trial judge, when she tried a case for armed robbery against a holdupper, who pleaded innocent by claiming he was only a pickpocket.)

(To a journalist’s question: “What is your reaction to the many death threats received by your office?”)

“Death is only a state of thermodynamic equilibrium!”
(Before a congregation of nuns and other members of the religious.)

“It is not important to ask, ‘Will the CID Commissioner die a premature death?’ No, the more important question is: ‘Is there sex after death?’”
(To a question during an open forum at an inter-city Rotarian meeting.)

“As a doctor of laws, I have researched the question and shall now proceed to share the answer with you. Is there sex after death? Answer: Yes, but you cannot feel anything!”
(To a follow-up question at the same open forum: “Could you please tell us if there is sex after death?”)

“I have no intention of floating in the Pasig River!”
(To a question in an open forum of the Lions Club: “Are you looking after your personal security?”)

“The alien suspect claims he is ill and might die under detention. I assume full responsibility. If he dies, I shall probably be assassinated. Then we shall see each other in the next life and settle scores there!”
(To a journalist's question: “Are you willing to assume responsibility if this alien dies under detention?” referring to the celebrated arrest and deportation of an alien wanted by Interpol. The Supreme Court eventually upheld Commissioner Santiago, and the alien lived to go to jail in Hongkong.)

“I am not afraid of death threats, but I am appalled that so many people are capable of so much wrong spelling and fractured grammar!”

“Kung papatayin man nila ako, mumultuhin ko sila!”
(To a question during a radio interview.)

“I refuse to die at the hands of those intellectual pygmies!”
(Of alien criminal syndicates reportedly putting out contracts for her assassination.)

“I have no regrets. I tried to raise the consciousness of the Filipinos on the need to fight graft. The accident affects only my mortal body. It is a small price to pay for this good fight. I wish for my people to continue with the will to win.”
(Handwritten statement after sustaining near-fatal injuries in a highway collision that left her car a total wreck in 1991. Covered with blood, she was airlifted by helicopter from Tarlac to Manila, and on media request wrote this message at the back of her x-ray plate folder, inside the ambulance.)

“As the poet said, because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me. But as another poet said, although the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, I have miles to go before I sleep. As God has seen fit to spare of my life, I am committed to the pursuit of His justice, including the crusade against graft and corruption."

“No, there is nothing wrong with the shape of my legs. The bruises will heal in time. Come with me to Boracay Island within this month, so you can inspect the evidence. Res ipsa loquitur (Things speak for themselves)."

“I do not intend to accommodate the political vultures who are waiting for me to give up. Never!”
(Handwritten answer to a media questionnaire submitted while she was hospitalized after the accident. Boracay Island is a world-famous beach resort, and Miriam's favorite place for swimming.)

“No, I don’t want to watch these clowns. I die a thousand deaths every time a corrupt politician appears.”

(Handwritten instructions to an aide who asked if Miriam wanted to watch a TV talk show, while hospitalized for the same accident.)

“I defy all this pain! I stand on my head and maybe contemplate my navel.”
(Handwritten note to her family after a painful session at the operating room for injuries caused by the same accident.)

“On the operating table, I seriously considered a breast implant.”
(On a TV talk show in 1991.)

“They have all the intelligence of political cockroaches.”
(Before a joint meeting of Rotary Clubs, referring to certain presidential candidates whom she claimed to be financing a media blitz against her.)

(Before a joint meeting of Jaycees Clubs, referring to paid members of PR firms carrying out the media blitz against her.)

“They are already salivating at the thought of becoming President.”
(Of presidential contenders plotting against her after she left government.)

"They met in the dead of night to plot against me, which is perfectly natural, for darkness is their natural habitat.”
(Of a "demolition crew" formed by a congressional leader and presidential candidate to launch a smear campaign against her.)

“He sounds like he is suffering from dyspepsia!”
(Of a mayor who made side remarks against her upon her arrival in his city.)

“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I will exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”

“That is the arrogance of power, the arrogance of the intellectual bonzai.”
(Of politicians making side remarks about her performance as a public official, claiming she is not a team player.)

“I predict that when the Supreme Court decides the pending case against him, he will have egg all over his face.”
(Of a public official who resented it when Miriam said his move to make a mass removal of government employees was unconstitutional. The Supreme Court eventually held so, proving Miriam was right.)

“I challenged him to a debate in UP or Ateneo campus. His reply was that he cannot debate with women. I asked around, and I learned that he cannot debate with men, either. In short, he simply cannot debate.”
(Of the same public official.)

“He is suffering from verbal diarrhea!”
(Of a public official who, while still in the process of investigating charges filed against her, kept on issuing press releases implying she was guilty.)

“Gusto ko sanang makipagkaibigan. Pero kung lalabanan ninyo ako, di subukan natin at tingnan kung sinong mauuna sa atin sa Intensive Care Unit!”
(At a CID flag-raising ceremony.)


“Yes, I go to mass everyday. Sometimes I pray that God might turn my enemies into pillars of salt.”

“Since you apparently refuse to get the point, I would be happy to educate you.”
(To a hostile TV talk show panel host.)

“You are about to witness a trial judge committing parricide with her bare hands!”
(To her son Archie, when he received two failing marks in Grade 6, because of adjustment problems after schooling in Geneva, Switzerland, where she worked with the United Nations. Archie recounted this incident in his article, “My Mom” published in the Sunday Standard magazine.)

“I do not have any strong desire to remain in government. When my task is done, I shall be happy to leave and enhance my lovelife with my husband.”
(Discussing with the press her hopes to retire early.)

“I am suffering from battle fatigue. I am catatonic with exhaustion. I can no longer distinguish my husband from the living room furniture!”

“I wish I had a daughter. I will have to exert myself in that direction, because my family is underpopulated.”
(At the same press conference.)

“Alexander, finish your dinner, or I'll prove to you that God exists!”
(To her son Alexander Robert, when he was six years old, and during her stint as Immigration Commissioner she went home late and found him still at dinner. As a dilatory tactic, he attempted conversation by saying: “Mom, I've lost my faith in God. The problem is that there is no proof.” [This was recounted by Archie to a journalist.])

“This is goodbye. I shall not importune you any longer. I shall fade into the night like Batman.”

“Head-bashing is the best strategy. Sometimes I have to splatter their brains on the pavement.”
(After she was asked for the best way to fight graft.)

“The fixer is a person who nominally looks like a human being. But he specializes in creating misery for others, in order that he can offer to fix it for a fee.”
(Explaining to the CID press corps why she banned fixers at CID and ordered their mass arrest.)

“My management style? Spiritual fortitude, intellectual scholarship, and, (smiling) if all else fails, physical violence might prove salutary.”

“They were not only rebellious, they were malicious to boot. Naturally I got mad, but I restrained myself. No, I did not throw a chair at my employees. (Laughing) The accurate statement is that I may have rearranged the furniture.”
(After scolding a few employees who declared their intention to have her removed from the CID.)

“I’m very results-oriented, and I do have a kamikaze attitude. I don't care if I go down in flames, as long as my enemies and I go down in flames together. Or maybe you can call it the Samson-in-the-temple syndrome. I don't care if I destroy myself, as long as I destroy the temple of corruption. That would be a definite service to the community, don't you think?” (In a magazine cover story.)

“Tinawag ko ang lahat na CID intelligence agents. Tinuruan ko ng immigration law. Dinala ko sa CID Detention Center. Sabi ko: ‘Nakita ninyo itong kulungan? Sa ilalim ng batas, ang katungkulan natin ay punuin ang kulungan na ito. Kasya ang 50 na bilanggo pero ngayon ang laman ay limang dayuhan lang. Araw ng Lunes ngayon. Sa Biyernes, pag wala pang laman yan, kayo ang ilalagay ko diyan!”
(At a student convocation at the Ateneo de Manila University, explaining how she motivated CID intelligence agents to post a record high in the number of alien criminal suspects arrested and deported.)

(In 1988 at a CID press conference, when asked for the first time if she planned to run for president.)

“I have only entertainment value in Philippine politics.”
(In 1988 during an interview with a foreign journalist.)

“This is the politics of cannibalism! We need a new politics, the politics of synergism.”
(In 1989, after the Commission of Appointments bypassed for the first time her confirmation as a cabinet member.)

“Barring public demand, any person who pursues the presidency out of personal ambition must be suffering from a basic genetic defect.”
(In a 1989 magazine interview.)

“Itong mga kalaban kong mahilig sa intriga ay hinahamon ako. Patutunayan ko na ang tunay na Pilipino, pag hinahamon, hindi umuurong!”
(In 1990, after the President accepted her resignation, amid rumors of her alleged sympathy for military rebels, which she denied.)

“My ambition is more modest. I desire only to be known as the Demi Moore of Philippine politics.”
(After she first topped a presidential survey.)

“I am seriously contemplating entry into politics, for the pleasure of educating the non-educable.”
(In 1990, after certain politicians reportedly ordered a smear campaign against her.)

“Hindi ko susundin ang gusto nila! Ano sila, sinusuwerte?”
(Reacting to the proposal by a group of politicians hostile to her that she should not run for president, but only for vice-president or senator.)

“I do not subscribe to the school of thought that I am leading the presidential polls because of my beautiful legs.”
(After topping most presidential surveys in 1990.)

“Three factors are necessary for victory in the presidential polls: popularity, funding, and a political party. We have met all three. According to media reports, I have topped over a dozen presidential surveys, including a nationwide survey by Social Weather Stations, Inc. Because I am number one in the polls, the traditional sources of funding in the business community are making pledges of financial contributions, consonant with the Election Code. And I have filed a petition for registration with the Comelec of the People's Reform Party. It's all systems go! After all, (smiling) the psychics and fortune-tellers in Asia have only one, consistent prediction to make for our country in 1992 – that the next president of the Philippines will be another woman!”
(At a press interview, when journalists asked her to assess her chances as a presidential candidate.)

“First you say that I have a brilliant resume and an impressive track record. But then you propose that I should not run for president, but only for vice-president. Clearly, your conclusion does not follow your own premise. And you justify this illogic by claiming that I would be cheated by my rivals as a presidential candidate, so I should settle for becoming a vice-presidential candidate instead. Sir, if the rest of humankind had adopted your line of thinking, we would never have reached the moon, scaled Mt. Everest, or learned to fly. For in all these daring enterprises, people who should have known better said it could not be done. When I went to the CID to fight graft and corruption, the cynics also said it could not be done. But a person’s reach must exceed her grasp, or what’s a heaven for? Why did Sir Edmund Hillary climb Mt. Everest? Because it is there. Why am I fighting graft and corruption? Because it is here! That's why I'm running for president, and for no other post.”
(Answer at an open forum hosted by the Association of International College Women, who gave her a standing ovation.)

“Pinagmamalaki nila na dadayain daw nila ako sa halalan. Pinag-aralan ko na ang problema, at handa na kami. Subukan nilang mandaya, at makikita nila ang hinahanap nila!"
(Upon filing the petition for registration with the Comelec of the People’s Reform Party.)

"Itong mga kalaban natin, kapag madilim na ang Metro Manila, nagsisipagbangon sila sa mga kabaong nila, lumilipad sa kabilugan ng buwan, nagkakalat ng kanilang mga lagim!"
(In a speech before peasants and the urban poor.)

“I refuse to surrender to the cynics who claim that to reform Philippine society is ‘mission impossible.’ In the CID, by the grace of God and with the help of all the fine Filipino men and women, I am proud to tell you – we did the impossible!”
(Speech before the employees of the Public Information Agency, subsequently aired over radio networks.)

“The mathematician said: ‘Give me a place to stand, and I will move the earth.’ We shall move this earth, and we shall reform this country. All that I need is not a place to stand, but one moment in time.”
(At a commencement speech, using the title of the hit theme song of the 1988 Olympic Games.)

“We shall effect a turnaround in the culture of corruption. We shall energize ourselves by our own inner, moral strength. We shall plug into a power base consisting of the best and the highest values of the Filipino character. My countrymen, all that you need is to believe in yourselves! Have faith in the Filipino!”
(An excerpt of her famous extemporaneous oration during her 1990 speaking tour of the country, credited with elevating her to the top of the presidential polls.)

“The operative word is courage. What this country needs is the will to win. I challenge you to help me to twist the tail of the cosmos. I call on the youth to help me repair the moral damage on our nation.”
(First delivered before 1,000 cadets of the Philippine Military Academy, and subsequently became the standard conclusion of her extemporaneous speeches before the student assemblies.)

“When I was a schoolgirl, I wanted to be a nun. I would have taken the threefold vow of poverty, chastity, and obedience. But I had to abandon that ambition, because we were poor. As the eldest child, I had to help send my six brothers and sisters to college. Anyway, as CID Commissioner, I am living the life of a nun. My salary is very low, only P12,000 a month, and so in effect I have taken a vow of poverty. I am a lowly subordinate of the President, so I owe her the vow of obedience. And because I am too busy fighting criminal syndicates, I have no time left for my husband. So in effect I have taken the vow of chastity!"
(At a national convention of the Daughters of Mary Immaculate.)

“By the grace of God and with the help of our friends in the international community, we shall, at the end of this long and tortuous road, claim our just victory; for surely, the Infinite Administrator, even now, arranges the universe, in order that immutable good shall triumph over the vincible forces of evil.”
(Speech upon accepting the Magsaysay Award for government service, the Asian equivalent of the Nobel Prize.)

“President Aquino has the patience of a Tibetan monk sitting on top of Mt. Everest, contemplating infinity.”
(On a TV talk show in 1990.)

“Tangkaan na nila na ang buhay ko. Siraan na nila ng siraan ang pangalan ko. Basta hindi ako aalis sa gobyerno natin. Hindi ako hihinto. Hindi ako uurong. Hindi ako susuko. Dahil ano sila, sinusuwerte?”
(After a public relations firm placed print ads using the names of a few CID employees to call for her removal from government.)

“The chances of me quiting are like the chances of a snowball in hell.”
(To a few DAR employees who threatened to oppose her confirmation.)

“My public life closely resembles the popular science-fiction trilogy on screen, consisting of the movies entitled ‘Star Wars,’ followed by ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’ and ending with ‘The Return of the Jedi.’ In seeking to change the culture of corruption, I have to fight willy-nilly the superstars of the political underworld in this country. Although I am a definite underdog, I am not afraid of those corrupt superstars. Thus, the first chapter of my life should be entitled ‘Star Wars.’ Because I was able to conscienticize the public about corrupt politics, my enemies sought to avenge themselves. They refused to confirm me in the Commission on Appointments, until I was removed from the Cabinet. My enemies posted that evil victory, but until now they do not stop. Although already a private citizen, when I started leading the presidential surveys, they paid for a diabolic media blitz against me. Thus, the second chapter of my life should be entitled ‘The Empire Strikes Back.’ But we have not seen the end of this trilogy. For life, like theology, consists of the unceasing battle between good and evil. In the movie trilogy, the forces of good were called Jedi, while the forces of evil were called the Empire. I have no doubt that, in the end, the forces of evil in Philippine politics will triumph. Thus, I promise you, the third chapter of our life together shall be entitled ‘The Return of the Jedi.’”
(From a speech at the St. Louis University gymnasium in Baguio City where over 5,000 students gave her a standing ovation, presaging her phenomenally popular campus tour of the country, and prompting media to call her “the new campus heroine.”)

“I have no strong desire to remain in government, and I have no personal preference for any government post. But if you insist I prefer to collect garbage in Metro Manila.”

“The Manila Polo Club is too aesthetic for immigration officers.”
(As guest of honor at the induction ceremonies of the Immigration Officers Association held in 1988 at the Manila Polo Club in posh Forbes Park, the country's wealthiest neighborhood. She reprimanded the Association members for ostentation, and thereafter some Association officers sought to retaliate by calling for her removal.)

“I defy my enemies. I challenge them: Do your worst, and I shall do my best! And we shall let the Filipino judge.”
(At a student convocation at the University of Santo Tomas.)

“I’m surprised the photographer used that shot. He and I had an agreement that he would take shots of me swimming in the pool. I followed all his instructions, exactly as if I were a trained dolphin.”
(Explaining the publication in a metropolitan newspaper of her controversial photo in a bathing suit.)

(At a student convocation at the University of the Philippines.)

“Nandiyan na yan, kasama sa trabaho. Siguro mabuti na ngang lumabas yung litratong yon, dahil diyan mapapatunayan na pag sinabi ko ang vital statistics ko, totoo! Patunay na akong tao, hindi sinungaling, hindi kamukha ng mga kalaban ko!”
(Laughing at the same photo.)

"Ewan ko ba ba’t excited na excited tayo sa Amerika, kawawa naman tayo. Sinong sumulat nito? Dapat sapatusin din to eh."

(On a law that requires the Philippines to purchase military equipment from the US only unless there is a mutual agreement between the US and the Philippines allowing the Philippines to purchase from other countries)

"The problem with the Americans is that they are overpaid, oversexed, and over here."

"Poor you, Mr. Dela Paz, you are going to be lonely in your jail cell. You are trying to protect very hard people who should not be protected but should be removed from government."

(During the Euro generals’ hearing at the Senate)

"Your personal attacks are below the belt and I don't wear one. Nimcompoops and dimwits!"

In a bid to change her image, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago announced Friday that she will try to show the public a “different side” of her personality by being more lighthearted and less hot-tempered, and telling jokes on occasion.

“I have realized that the public sees me differently from the person that I am in real life; thus, starting today, I shall strive to be more approachable, more friendly, and more easygoing in my daily actions and interactions especially with my constituents, for how can I, as senator of the Republic of the Philippines, former regional trial court judge, who was educated at the University of the Philippines and Harvard, and ex-future Supreme Court Justice, speak for the people when they cannot even speak to me freely and with no reservations?” she said.

She gave a demonstration of what she called the “new Miriam” by trying to tell jokes during a press conference in the Senate hall on Friday.

“How many regional trial court judges does it take to change a light bulb?” she asked the reporters.

“How many?” they replied.

“One half,” she answered, followed by a little laugh.

But the reporters just looked at her.

Noting their baffled expression, she proceeded to explain: “The joke lies in the assumption that the average RTC judge has an IQ of 200, and a menial task like changing a light bulb requires only an IQ of 100. But the joke is that the average IQ of an RTC judge is actually 150, so the computation is all wrong, which is what makes it funny.”

After a beat, she added: “Well, judging by your blank expressions, it seems the joke is lost on you, like all good jokes are lost on ignorant insects who cannot think for themselves. Well, let me tell you this: I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry if my sense of humor is so far advanced that it cannot be appreciated by those who remain lost in the prehistoric age where they deserve to stay and live like cavemen and speak like cavemen with no sophistication and basic common sense.”

Santiago tried another joke: “Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Miriam Defensor-Santiago.”

The reporters waited for the punch line – which never came.

Santiago then said: “Pardon me. I lost my train of thought there for a moment. I said my name by reflex but the actual joke has escaped me now. I will try to remember it and tell it to you next time. It is a very funny joke, but I simply forgot.”

The senator tried another one: “What is the best way to eat ice cream?”

“What?” her audience replied.

“With your tongue.”

The joke elicited a few chuckles, but most of the reporters just stared at her.

“Let me then tell you a semi-green joke. Everybody loves a green joke, and perhaps it is just the type of crass humor that your kind will appreciate,” said Santiago, who was starting to look more and more frustrated.

The reporters just nodded their heads.

Santiago asked: “What did the penis say to the vagina?”

“What?”

“May I come?” she replied. “Now, what did the penis say once it was inside?”

“What?”

“May I come in?”

After a beat, Santiago said: “Wait a minute, I believe I got it backwards. Let me do it again: What did the penis say to the vagina?”

From her speech during the Energy Summit in Pasay City, 2008:

Problem: World Hunger.

Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people, until no one is hungry anymore.

Problem: World Peace.

Solution: Remove all humans from the planet.

Problem: Poverty.

Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.

Problem: Injustice.

Solution: It will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some reklamador will beat about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.

Problem: Overpopulation.

Solution: You all know what the solution is? Sterilize the population!

One last problem, this is a particular concern to me. This is the biggest problem of my life: STUPID PEOPLE.

Solution: Kill them! Only I, get to decide who lives.

The Tiger Lady of Asia

Gusto kong mag-fly to Singapore para dito.

2011-05-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

The Queen has returned.

2011-05-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

And my Imperial Majesty returns! CHARice pekpekmo!

Oo. Matagal-tagal din akong nanahimik. Nagpahinga... Namayapa... Ngunit kaming mga diwata, tulad ng mga imported relatives naming mga dyosa, ay may pagka-imortal. Di naaagnas ang angking yumi at hiyas. Sa amin ginaya ni Princess Aurora aka Briar Rose ang kanyang pagka-hypersomniac. Sino siya? Si Sleeping Beauty, gagah!

Ganyan lang ang hitsura ko kung wala ako sa mood.

And so again, ayun. Nabuhayan ng loob. Nagkagana ulit magsulat ng kung anik-anik. Feel ko kasi, I have the social responsibility na ipangalandakan ang aking kagandahan over mankind. Oh, arte fa? Hindi lang yun, I need to exercise my right to reign as the sovereign Reyna Emperatriz of my people. Padami na nang padami ang mga bobo ngayon and part of my advocacy is to combat idiocy. Diba nga sabi nila, "What is beauty if the brain is empty?" Hay naku, madz. Wag ka. May sagot na ang mga bobo dyan: "What is knowledge if the face is damaged?" Oh, diba? Kalowkah! Buti nalang hindi ako affected. I have both assets kaya! ahihihi... And that's not all. I have beauty, brains, and BILLIONS. (yes, the one and only thing Dionisia has among the three.)

Kung sa kaharian nga namin naging mainit na issue yang RH Bill na yan, ganito ang pasya ko bilang Reyna: magconduct ng mandatory na IQ test sa lahat ng nasasakupan who are on their reproductive age at ang may quotient na bababa sa average ay ora mismong hahatulan ng vasectomy o bilateral tubal ligation. Hitting two birds with one stone ang philosophy. Kontrolado ang populasyon, na-extinct pa ang lahi ng mga bobo. Ang mga poor genes na ganyan, walang karapatan magparami. Waste of space and oxygen lang sila. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT referring to those who we're unable to go to formal schooling. I'm pertaining to imbeciles in general. Minsan pa nga, college graduate nga, mas maledukada pa kung mag-isip, magsalita at kumilos kesa sa walang pinag-aralan. Nakakahawa ba ang kabobohan? Bakit ang dami na nila? Hindi na sila nakakatuwa.

Ayon naman sa isa sa aking mga council of elders, magastos daw magpa-nationwide IQ test and magpa-opera sa dami ng magiging apektado ng batas kong ito. Hindi raw keri ng kaban ng bayan. Mungkahi nya'y ipatapon o i-exile, o sa mismong term ng lolah nyo, ipa-ship-off (parang kahon lang!) nalang daw sa AFRICA ang mga below average, at doon hayaan silang magparami ng kanilang lahi hanggang sa kaya o gusto nila.

Sabi ko, parang ang-mean naman nun.

May bahid ba ng pagiging salbahe ang pagmumukhang ito?

Sabi ko sa aking council of elders, hindi ko kayang gawin yun. Habang hawak ng kanang kamay ko ang scepter, hawak naman ng kaliwa ang timbangan ng katarungan. Yes, nakakangawit siya infurnez. At unfair para sa mga nasasakupan ko ang ipatapon sa ibang bansa na parang mga pusa lang na isinilid sa sako at iniligaw sa malayong dako. Hindi ugali yan ng isang reyna. Masyadong cheap at maledukada.

Kung gayon, ano kamo ang aking huling pasya para sa mga bobo at lalo na sa mga bobong pala-torjak na wala namang ambag sa kaban ng bayan?

Bigyan ng ganitong sumpa...

Kathang Isip Lamang

2010-03-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

Diwata: Itigil na natin ito.

Mortal: Hindi ka ba masaya?

Diwata: Masaya. Pero higit sa saya, mas nahihirapan ako. Nasasaktan.

Mortal: Hindi ko maintindihan.

Diwata: Hindi mo kailangang intindihin.

Mortal: Pero...

Diwata: Sa simula pa lang, alam na nating mali. Alam ko nang mali. Pero nagbulag-bulagan ako sa pag-aakalang baka pwede. Baka sa pagkakataong ito, kakampi ko ang tadhana. Dinala kita sa mundo ko. Naaninag ng iyong mga matang hindi karapatdapat ang rikit at hiwaga ng isang mundong bibiharang nasisilayan ng mga mortal na katulad mo. Nalasap ng iyong mga labi ang mga pagkaing dito mo lang matatagpuan. Nakapaggayak ka ng mga kasuotang hindi angkop sa isang pangkaraniwang nilalang na gaya mo. Itinuro ko sa iyo ang mga lihim na dunong na hindi kayang saklawin ng makitid na mortal mong isipan. Ibinigay ko sa iyo ang mga natatagong yaman ng lupa. Labag man sa utos at kalooban ng aking Amang Hari at Inang Reyna, dinala kita sa aming kaharian at sabay na nakisalo sa hapag ng karangyaan. Buong pagmamalaki kitang ipinakilala sa aking mga kaibigan kahit na alam kong hindi sila sang-ayon sa pananatili mo sa aming mundo. Tinuruan kitang sumampa sa bagwis ng engkantadong kabayo patungo sa kalawakan kung saan nasaksihan mo ang ganda ng bawat kulay ng bahaghari. Pinilit ko ring makibagay sa mundo mo. Buong puso kong itiniklop ang aking mga pakpak at pilit na ikinubli ang aking patulis na tenga. Taliwas sa pananaw ng mga nakapalibot sa atin, mortal man o diwata, nagbingi-bingihan ako. Napabayaan ko ang aking mga tungkulin sa aming mundo sa kagustuhang damayan ka sa mga responsibilidad mo. Ngunit hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang lahat ng ito. At lalong hindi kita sinisisi sa pagkakamaling ito. Nakasulat sa tubig ang mga pagkukulang mo. Ginusto ko ring mangyari ang lahat nang naganap. Naging maligaya akong natatanaw kang masaya. Ngunit hanggang doon nalang iyon. Hindi sapat ang pag-ibig lang na walang paninindigan at dedikasyon. Marahil ay sadyang nilikha ni Bathala ang ating magkaibang mundo dahil kahit anong gawin ko, maging ang ibigay sa iyo ang aking mundo ng buong-buo, kulang pa rin. Kulang pa rin.

Mortal: Pero masaya ako.

Diwata: Hindi mo maikakailang hindi lubos ang iyong kasiyahan. May mga bagay-bagay na kahit bali-baliktarin ko ang kalangitan, wala pa rin akong kakayahang ibigay sa iyo. Mga bagay na kaya lang ibigay sa iyo ng isang mortal.

Mortal: Ayokong mawala ka sa akin. Mahalaga ka sa buhay ko.

Diwata: Magkaiba ang mahal sa mahalaga lang.

Mortal: Minahal kita sa paraang alam ko.

Diwata: Sa bawat yakap mo, sa bawat pagdampi ng iyong mga labi sa aking mga pisngi at sa bawat matatamis na salitang iyong binitawan, ramdam ko na hindi ako ang tunay na laman ng iyong puso't isipan. Marahil naging tunay ka ngang masaya sa mundong ipinakita ko sa iyo. Ngunit nakikita ko sa iyong mga mata na hindi ako ang nais mong makasama sa mundong iyon, kundi siya: ang babaeng mortal na walang mukha. Hindi ako mangmang para hindi malaman ang lahat nang ito. Noong una, sinubukan kong balewalain ito. Pero sapat na ang aking kusang pagpapakatanga. Kailangan bang pati ikaw, harap-harapan akong gawing tanga?

Mortal: Kailangan kita.

Diwata: Makasarili ka. Nais mong ang lahat ay naaayon sa kagustuhan mo kahit nakasasakit ka na ng iba. Hindi ka marunong makuntento. Laking pagtataka ko kung bakit ikaw ang aking inibig. Isang pangkaraniwang mortal. Mababang nilalang. Kung tutuusin, nasa kapangyarihan ko ang isumpa ka at gawing miserable ang iyong buhay, maging ang buhay ng babaeng mortal. Ngunit hindi ko gagawin iyon.

Mortal: Sa maikling pagkakataong nakasama kita, nakilala kita nang lubusan. Alam kong hindi mo kayang gawin iyon sapagkat malinis ang iyong puso at mabuti ang iyong kalooban.

Diwata: May karapatan akong masaktan, manibugho, maghinanakit at magalit. Ngunit wala akong karapatang saktan at pahirapan ang ibang tao. Nawa'y maisip mo rin ito.

Mortal: Kung talagang mahal mo ako, hindi mo ako iiwan.

Diwata: At kung talagang mahal mo rin ako, iiwan mo siya.

Mortal: Anong gusto mong gawin ko?

Diwata: Hindi mahalaga kung anong gusto ko. Walang saysay ang aking kagustuhan kung ito'y labag din lamang sa iyong kalooban. Makakaya mo bang iwan ang mundo mo para manirahan sa mundo ko? Ang pamilya mo? Ang mga kaibigan mo? Tiyak hindi sila sasang-ayon. Makakaya mo bang iwan Siya at kalimutan ang anumang ugnayang namamagitan sa inyo kapalit ng ating pagsasama? Mamili ka sa aming dalawa.

Mortal:...

Diwata: Hindi ka makapagpasya? Hindi mo kayang panindigan ang sinasabi mong pagmamahal? Sapat na ang iyong katahimikan upang ihayag ang tunay na nilalaman nang iyong puso. Nawa'y basbasan ako ni Bathala ng lakas at kakayahang hilumin ang bawat sugat sa aking puso at ibaon sa limot ang bawat kirot at pighating dala ng ala-ala ng kahapon. Ito na ang huling sandaling matatanaw mo ang aming mundo sapagkat ito na rin ang huling pagkakataong magtatagpo ang ating landas.

Tumalikod na ang diwata.

Diwata: Bukas na ang lagusan patungo sa inyong mundo.

Sa huling pagkakataon, niyakap ng mortal ang diwata mula sa likuran.

Mortal: Mangungulila ako sa iyo.

Tanging mga luhang dumaloy sa pisngi ng diwata ang kanyang naging tugon.

Nagising ang mortal sa kanyang mahimbing na pagka-idlip.

Mortal: Diwata? Diwata!

Walang tugon sa panawagan ng mortal. Umalingawngaw lamang ang kanyang tinig sa gitna ng tahimik at malamig na gabi. Tila ang lahat ay kathang isip lamang.

Gays night OUT.

2009-11-21T23:46:00.000-08:00

As usual, ginabi nanaman ako sa skewla. 9pm kasi talaga natatapos ang klase ko tuwing sabado. Pero medyo maaga kami dinismiss this time, mga 8pm.

Inimbita ako ng isang auntie mayette na kaklase ko na mag-wara for the night kasama ang ibang kasapi ng pink mafia.

Nag-alangan ako.

Sinabi kong itext nalang ako kung matutuloy sila at baka pwede akong sumunod. May lakad ako with other friends, sabi ko.

Pero nagsinungaling ako. Ang totoong plano ay sasamahan ko ang isang kaklase kong lalaking medyo bet ko. Medyo lang naman. Manunood daw kami ng sine kasi hindi pa niya napanood ang New Moon. Isang pseudo-date nanaman. Pero go parin.

Habang palabas na ng gate ng school, biglang sabi ni lalaki, "makikisakay ako ha? hanggang doon lang ako sa sakayan ng jeep."

Wala akong kibo. Tango lang isinagot ko. Sa isip ko, Ano to? Akala ko ba lalabas tayo? Leche. Prinioritize kita tapos biglang cancel ang plano? Wala pa rin akong kibo. Uminit ang ulo ko. Hindi rin siya nag-explain kung bakit. Basta sabi niya, uuwi na siya. Hindi na rin ako nagtanong. Hindi ako tanga.

Binilisan ko ang pagpatakbo ng sasakyan. Medyo padabog pa ang kilos ko. "Galit ka?", tanong niya. "May dahilan ba para magalit?", malamig kong sagot. Siya ang natahimik.

Sa daan, nakita ko ang mga kaklaseng batukling na nag-invite sa gays night out. Huminto ako. Pinasakay sila. "Change of plans, sasama ako sa inyo. Now na.", sabi ko sa mga bakla. "Mag-nanight out kayo?", tanong ng lalaki. "Oo, ayoko pang umuwi.", malamig ko pa ring sagot.

"Since may change of plans, hindi na kita mahahatid sa may sakayan ng jeep. Hanggang jan nalang kasi kami sa kabilang kalye. Out of the way na yung bababaan mo.", pasimple kong paliwanag. "Ihatid mo nalang ako, please? Malapit lang naman eh.", pagpapakyut ng peste. "Eh, malapit lang naman pala, mag walkathon ka nalang! Ahihihi.", hirit ng isang bading.

Naawa ako. Pinagbigyan ko siya, kahit hindi niya ako pinagbigyan ngayong sabado. Hinatid ko ang mga bading sa bar. Sinabi kong ihahatid ko nalang ang pobre. Babalik ako agad.

Hinatid ko nga siya sa sakayan ng jeep. Mas lalo akong napalayo. At ba't walang beso? Dati, paghinahatid ko siya sa kanila, may beso sabay yakap. Porke ba sa malapit ko lang siya inihatid, hindi umabot ang points para maka-achieve kahit beso man lang? Eh kung sa Paquibato ko siya ihatid? Ano kaya ang achievement level?

Pero inis parin ako. Nagmura ako kasi talagang napalayo ako.

Pagdating sa bar, wala pang gaanong tao. Hindi pa rin perfect attendance ang mga juding. So wait ang mga early birds. Yosi. Chikka. Yosi...

Nagsidatingan na rin sila. 8 kaming lahat. Yung 2, hindi ko kakilala by name. Pero alam kong schoolmates kami. Pagkatapos ng introdution portion, nabigla ako. May isa pang dumating na bading. Schoolmate din namin. Pero ang ikinagulat ko, may isa pa siyang kasamang oyotar. Yung kasama niya, isa sa mga itinuturing kong "disposable friends". Yung tipong may expiry date. Dati ko kasi siyang klasmeyt sa ibang paaralan. Medyo close kami dati. Kaya lang, katakot takot na traydoran ang naganap. Kaya ex-friends na kami nagyon. Hindi kami civil. Hindi rin sila lumapit sa grupo, medyo may distance.

Napansin ng mga ateng na bigla akong natahimik. Ibinulong ko sa isa ang history namin ng pesteng new arrival. As usual mga bakla, hindi pwedeng hindi makasagap ng chikka. Kaya parang mga gutom na isda sa aquarium na nagkakagulo habang sinasabuyan ng fish food. "Ano raw?", tanong ng isa. "Ahihihihi bongga! Sige, ibubluetooth ko sa inyo ang mensahe.", drama ng isang vhakeyla habang nagpopose na parang may mental telepathy powers. Bulungan sabay lingon sa target. Tawanan.

"Ako si Pinoy Big Ate, may mensahe ako para sa inyo, mga housemates. May eviction na magaganap ngayong gabi! Ahihihihih!!!", toka ng isang bading. Tawanan ulit ang lahat. Napag desisyonan ng karamihan na maglipat ng bar. At dahil ako lang ang may dalang golden carriage, sakay ang mga bading. Nakasakay na ang 8 na batukling sa sasakyan, pero hindi pa ang 2 baguhan. Bigla kong inilagay sa reverse ang kambyada at nagsimula nang umatras.

"May sasakay pa.", sigaw ng juding sa likod.

"Ay, sorry. Di ko nakita.", sabi ko nang naka-smile.

Sinadya ko yon. Alam ko, tarantada ako.

Nahiya na siguro ang dalawa. Susunod nalang daw sila. Dapat lang. Napakakapal na siguro ng callo nila sa mukha kung makikisakay pa sila.

Dumating kami sa next bar. Maya maya dumating ulit ang dalawa. Pero di na naki-table. May baon palang hiya, kahit papaano. Naglaho sila na parang na-engkanto. Tama ang announcement ni big ateng, may na-evict nga nung gabing iyon. Success na ang gabi ko somehow.

Shot na ang mga bading. 1 bucket ng redhorse. Yosi. Shot. Yosi. Chikkahan. Tawanan. Napagpasyahan ng karamihan na magdisco. Penetrate kaagad kami sa kalapit na disco hub. Hala, sayaw. Kiskisan. Masikip. Mainit. Pero walang gwapo. Masyadong dry ang El nino. Kaya lumabas na kami. Paglabas ng isang kasamahang auntie mayette galing CR, abot tenga ang ngiti ng loka.

"May dalawang chinese sa CR, sabay na pinakita ang mga nota nila sa akin! Ahihihi.", pakilig na tawa at pang-iinggit nya. "First time kong makakita ng maputing nota, and take note, pinkish ang heading!!! Mala-makopa!!", dagdag pa niya. Imbyerna naman ang mga bading. Mga inggitera kasi walang achievement so far.

Ang last destination namin, naloka ako. GAY BAR. Itago nalang natin ito sa totoo nitong pangalan na FAME. 1am na nang pumasok kami. First time namin lahat pumasok dito. Lahat kabado. Lahat nanginginig ang tuhod. Baka biglang may raid. Baka may kakilala ako sa loob. Syet. Kahihiyan to. Pero nanalo ang kalandian at libog kaya penetrate parin sa loob. Sa pinaka-front kami umupo. Halatang baguhan. Natawa ako kasi parang mga girls scouts ang mga bading. Laging handa. May dalang alcohol for sanitary purposes.

Nomo ulit kami. Tig-iisang redhorse. The usual na nakikita sa movie ang setting. Mga macho dancers. Pagiling-giling. May gwapo. Karamihan, yung tipong "pwede na". Meron ding mga pangit. Sa katawan, merong masarap na masarap dilaan from dandruff to ingrown. Meron ding parang adik ang katawan. Kung bakatan naman ang labanan, meron ding hungarian sausage, ice water, de lata. Pero sad to say may isang gwapo na bite size lang ang hotdog niya. Kawawa. Na-disappoint ako kasi hindi naman pala sila nag-o-all the way. May suot pa ring saplot, kahit papaano. May mga mabilisang dick flashes, pero yun na yon. Nakahawak rin ako, once. Malaki. May dalawang oyotar kaming kasama na nangahas magsabon ng nota ng gwapong macho dancer. Nadali sila ng 2 hash! hahaha... Imbyerna ang mga bakla kasi jolina magdangal ang nota ni gwapo. Malambot pa. Lugi sila. :))

Napagpasyahan na naming umuwi dahil 3am na. And besides, papangit nang papangit na ang mananayaw. Hindi na masaya tignan. Kadiri na. Kaya nagbabylon na kami sa Fame at nagbabylon na sa isa't isa. Kanya-kanya nang uwian.

Nag-enjoy ako ng todo. Ito ang first gays night out ko. Pero siguradong hindi pa ito ang huli. Kahit na medyo tagtuyot ang season ng hekya, enjoy parin. Kasi walang segundo na hindi ka tatawa pag bakla ang kasama mo. Yan ang isang innate gift na bigay ni Papa God sa bawat kapatid sa pananampalataya.

Okrayera

2009-07-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

Totoo nga talagang you can't please everyone. Kahit gaano ka kagaling, katalino, kaganda, kayaman at kabait, meron talagang hinirang at itinakdang maging kontra bida.

Kahapon lang ay naidaos namin ang isang napakahalagang "rite of passage" sa buhay ng isang student nurse- ang Cap, Pin, and Candlelight Ceremony.

May mga estudyanteng naatasang magkaroon ng mga special participation sa nabanggit na event. Isa na ako doon. At maging ang isa sa aking mga close friends. Ako ang naatasang magbigay ng speech of thanks kasi ako daw number 1 sa batch namin. DAW. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ito ka-totoo. Baka wala lang talagang ibang mahanap ang mga CIs na mas makapal pa ang mukha sa akin. Yung friend ko naman, pinakanta siya ng "Follow your dream" ni Sheryn Regis. Pinakanta siya dahil malamang may K siya!

Naging matagumpay ang aming 5 minutes of fame. Congratulations sa kaliwa, Well done sa kanan. Akala ko, winner kaming pareho. Akala ko lang pala yun.

Naglabasan ang mga chikka pagkatapos ng event. Unang nagkwento ang isa ko pang close friend na bading. Habang kumakanta raw ang friend naming ala-Sheryin Regis, may impaktang nanlait sa kanya sa may likuran ni bading.

Impakta: Kilala ko yan! Local star yan ng ABS-CBN sa GenSan. Hindi naman magaling.

Nag-racing ang kilay ng bading at uminit ang ulo. Tinignan niya ng masama ang babae sa likuran. Tinaasan ng kilay. Ayaw parin paawat ng impakta. Kung anu-ano pa ring panlalait ang sinabi tungkol sa friend namin.

Impakta: Nakakainis pakinggan! Obvious na obvious na pinilit ang boses.

Hindi nakatiis ang bading.

Bading: Miss, dahan dahan ka sa mga sinasabi mo ha. Close friend ko yang kumakanta.
Impakta: Eh, totoo naman eh!
Bading: Oo! totoong mas pangit ka! Lecheng ulikba to!

Aktong lalaban pa ang gaga pero natakot yata ang katabing babae ng impaktang negra sa kaibigan kong bading na parang bouncer ang katawan.

Katabi ng Impakta: Ay, sorry ho. Ikaw naman kasi impakta, tigil tigilan mo na nga yang panlalait mo.

At natahimik na silang lahat. Paano naman kasi, katawan palang ng bading, panakot na. May history pa si bading na nanuntok daw ng suso ng isang beks na sinabunutan siya at ayaw tantanan ang kanyang curly hairs. Ayun, hinimatay ang kawawang beks. Dapat nagpatingin siya sa duktor. Baka may breast cancer na siya ngayon.

Akala ko si singer friend lang ang may Bella Flores. Ako rin pala. Kaninang umaga, nagchikka ang classmate kong naka may I hear sa nasabing panlalait sa akin habang ako raw ay nagsasalita sa harap ng madla. Sa kalagitnaan ng aking speech...

Matandang lalaki: Anu ba yan! Ang tagal-tagal magsalita! Ang dami-daming sinasabi. Nagugutom na ako! Ang sarap batuhin ng kamatis!

Eh may nakarinig na guardian angel ko! Rumesbak si ati.

Mudra ng classmate ko: Kung nagugutom ka, at pumunta ka lang dito para kumain, edi lumabas ka! Walang pumipigil sayo. Nakikinig ka ba sa pinagsasabi niya? Sa content at impact ng kanyang speech para sayo at sa anak mo? Baka naman hindi mo lang naintindihan kasi English ang pagkakasabi?!

Pakpak mga bayut!!! Mabuhay ang reyna! And the award goes to: matandang lalaki! ahihihihi! ayan tuloy, inimbyerna si mother lily. Na-awardan tuloy. Sabi ko sa classmate ko, pakisabi sa mama niya, salamat. At asahan niyang special mention siya sa susunod kong pagtatalumpati.

Pagkatapos ng lahat, kasali na ang mga pang-aalipusta sa aming pagkatao, choz! May mga mabubuting tao na parang fairy godmother na handang tumulong at magtanggol sa oras ng pangangailangan. Bading, mother lily ng classmate ko, maraming maraming salamat. Mabuhay kayo.

PS: Sa matandang lalaking nanlait sa akin, hindi na kita papatulan. Alam kong, ilang sandali nalang ang lalagiin mo dito sa mundo. Pagbibigyan kita. :)

Ang Bobah.

2009-06-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

Matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nag-bablog. Actually, gustong-gusto kong magsulat kaya lang, hindi ko alam tungkol saan. Kaya, kanina lang, mga 12:32am siguro, binigyan ako ni Papa God ng dahilan para magsulat.

Nasa bahay ako. Nagchachat. Eyeball chat; Romance; Gay & Lesbian-1 room. May isang nag pm sa akin.

(nakalimutan ko ang id): hi, 20m bottom here.
(secrect id ko): hi. 18 m davao. Top.
(nakalimutan ko ang id): wanna have fun in my place?
(secret id ko): sure. where?
(nakalimutan ko ang id): sandawa.
(secret id ko): ang layo naman. Are you effem?
(nakalimutan ko ang id): No. nakapandamit-lalaki ako.
(secret id ko): cge na nga. ano number mo? para matxt kita kung andyan na ako.

Nagpalitan kami ng digits.

Nakarating na nga ako sa Sandawa. Bumili ng condom and lube sa Convenience Store.

"Where u na? Ano suot mo?" txt niya.

"Sandawa na. Sandali, may binili lang. Brown shirt." reply ko.

Maya-maya lang, "Ano kulay suot mo?" txt nanaman niya.

"Brown nga." reply ko ulit. Ang kulit.

Ilang sandali lang, tumunog nanaman ang cellphone ko. Siya nanaman. "Anu ba? Magreply ka naman. Please tell me honestly kung pupunta ka." txt niya.

Pag tingin ko sa outbox ko, andun pala yung mga replies ko. Leche. Sa lahat-lahat ng panahon, ngayon pa ba ako mauubusan ng load? Tumunog nanaman ang cellphone ko. Siya ulit. Paulit-ulit na mga tanong. Naghanap ako ng naglo-load. Malayo. Ang tagal pa dumating ng load.

Naka-limang message na siya. Nagreply ako, "Nandito na ako. Sorry nagpaload pa. Naubusan eh. naka-brown nga pala ako."

Naghinatay ako sa aming meeting place. Naka-sandal sa sasakyan ko. Wait. Wait. Wait.

May biglang lumabas sa madilim na eskinita na lalaking naka white na sando. Ok lang ang histura. Maganda ang katawan. Kahit papaano, YUMMY, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Papunta siya sa kinatatayuan ko. Sana siya na. Pero diredirecho ang lakad ng loko. Leche. Napadaan lang pala. Wait naman ako.

Di nagtagal, may nakita nanaman akong lalaki sa may madilim na eskinita. Naka-brown rin siya. Pandak. Maitim. Talo pa ang pato kung maka-kembot maglakad. Siya na nga to. Sigurado. Akala ko ba hindi siya effem? Eh, mas lalaki pa yata si Ogie Diaz sa kanya. Diyos ko po! Ano tong pinasok ko? Napabulong ko sa sarili.

Dumaan siya sa aking harapan. Lumagpas. Umikot at tumayo sa may waiting shed.

Nagring ang phone ko.

"Ikaw ba yang nakasandal sa sasakyan?" tanong niya.
"Yes." sagot ko naman.
"Lumapit ka dito sa waiting shed." huli niyang txt.

Lumapit ako at nagpakilala. Pangit. Kinamayan ko siya. Bakas sa mukha niya ang pag-aalinlangan.

Target: Uhmmm... Sorry ha... Mali yata ang napicture-out ko. Straight ka ba?
Me: No. Im bisexual.
Target: Ah. Sure? Akala ko kasi kanina straight ka? Kasi nga diba? Sabi mo Top ka. And the way you stood by the car, i think you're not.
Me: Oo nga. hindi nga ako straight, Bisexual nga ako diba?!
Target: Ang nasa-isip ko kasi, straight ka kasi sabi mo Top ka...
Me: Oo nga, top nga ako! Pero wala akong sinabing straight ako.
Target: Ah ok. I understand. Alam ko naman na some bi's and gays say they're top para i-hide ang kanilang...

Teka, teka teka. Parang may biglang pumutok sa tenga ko nung sinabi niya ang word na HIDE. Na-irita ako.

Me: Excuse me? What are you trying to say? That since I'm not as macho/tambay/hunk-looking as you pictured me out, I'm pretending to be TOP just to hide my being bi?

Walang imik ang gagah.

Me: Do you even know what TOP means? Just so you would know, a TOP is a position in same-sex intercourse. Meaning, the TOP is the one who gives and the BOTTOM is the one who receives. And for your information, there are bi's who prefer to GIVE than to RECEIVE.
Target: Ah ok that's your opinion. I would respect that. Sinabi ko na nga sa sarili ko na wala na talagang straight sa chat eh.

Ay, Bobah?

Me: What would a straight guy do in a gay & lesbian chatroom? Kaya nga tinawag na straight diba? Kasi ang hanap eh opposite sex. Sa tingin mo, may papatol sayo na straight? Straight guys would NEVER have sex with gays/bi's unless they will gain something else in return ie. money, sustento, etc... Those are called PATOLAs o mga pumapatol in exchange of something else. OK. for the sake of the argument, let's temporarily use the term "straight" on the level by which you comprehend it. Do you think there are straight bottoms?
Target: I never said there are straight bottoms.
Me: MALAMANG noh! Kung may straight man na magkamaling pumatol sa iyo, he would definitely assume the TOP position. Duh? It is more than implied. However, it does not follow that all TOPS are straight.
Target: That's based on your experience.
Me: Give me a reason WHY a straight guy would want to have sex with a gay like you without any other reason than pure pleasure of man sex. Just one.
Target: Curiosity.
Me: Hahahah... yeah, blame it to the old reliable "because of curiosity" thing. Did I ever sound curious when we chatted? Curious is when you haven't tried anything yet and you are inquisitive. The thought of even considering how it feels to have sex with the same sex and actually trying it makes one a not-so-straight guy anymore. Liking the experience affirms the tendencies. Maybe what you mean by those who SEEM straight yet have sex with obvious gays like you, are the discreet ones. Have you ever heard of PAMHINTA? PAMHIN? PEPPERMINTS? They are the green-blooded homosexuals/bisexuals who act like the straight ones do. However, they still enjoy coitus with the same sex.
Target: Again, that is your opinion and that's based on your experience.
Me: No. This is not just my opinion. These are called labels. And since you are fond of using them, you might as well educate yourself with their descriptions and how to properly use them to specify what species under a broad kingdom of gays are you looking for. While I am aware that there are no universal or exclusively precise "classifications" of sexual preferences amidst the diversity, if you want to be politically correct and use those labels, be sure to know the basics.
Target: That's your op...

Punyeta. Rinding-rindi na ako sa kanyang natataning motto sa buhay: "That's your opinion and blah blah blah."

Me: Look. This is getting pointless. If you don't wanna do it, perfectly fine with me. A relief, actually.
Target: Ah good. So nakuha mo na ang ibig kong sabihin.

Ampotah! Ang kapal ng gilagid. Mukha siyang paa. At siya pa ang may K umayaw.

Me: Of course naman. I'm not stupid and I am well-educated. Good luck nalang sa paghahanap mo ng "straight" guy.

Kinamayan ko siya as a sign of good etiquette.

Target: Nice meeting you. And by the way, hindi ako naghahanap ng straight. Naghahanap lang ako ng TRIP with a straight for the night.

Ang kapal talaga ni ateh. Akala mo kung sinong maganda, naghahanap lang daw siya ng TRIP with a straight guy for the night. Magmimistulang DYOSA si PETRANG KABAYO kung paghahambingin sila.

Naghanap ako ng imburnal sa paligid. Gusto ko siyang itulak.

Mahal ang text niya.

2009-01-08T23:54:00.000-08:00

Pauwi na ako nang naisipan kong itext siya.

Hanap ako ng quote. Forward sa kanya.

Maya-maya nagreply siya. Quote rin. Masaya na ako kahit ganun. Bibihira lang siyang magreply kaya masaya na ako kahit blank message pa ang matanggap ko galing sa kanya.

Reply kaagad ako ng "wud po? :p"

Kung anu-ano ang pumasok sa isip ko habang nagdadrive ako pauwi.

Magrereply pa kaya siya? Ano naman kaya isasagot niya? Ano kaya ginagawa niya? Hmmm...

Nang biglang BLAGGGG!!!

May sumigaw na isang mama.

Pagtingin ko sa side-mirror, may nabangga pala akong motor.

Parang ang bilis ng pangyayari. Pati ako nalito.

Ano nga bang nangyari?

Nasa gitna na ako ng crossing nang napatingin ko sa traffic lights at RED ang nakita ko. Pagtingin ko sa kanan, ang daming sasakyang rumaragasa. Nagpanic ako. Isang mabilis na sulyap sa likuran at umatras agad ako. Wala naman akong nakita kaya go lang nang go.

Nagbrake nalang ako nang sumigaw na ang lalaki.

Pagtingin ko sa traffic lights, BLINKING RED pala. Meaning, "go as long as no other cars are crossing" at hindi "Stop".

Hayop.

Mabait naman yung driver ng motor at hindi nagsisisigaw at nag eskandalo. Pumayag naman sa areglo. Mabuti rin at hindi naman siya nasaktan.

"Magkano?" tanong ko.

"Sandali, tanong ako sa ibang driver ng motor." Sagot niya.

Medyo natagalan ang pagtanong-tanong niya sa ibang driver at dumarami na rin ang mga matang nakiki-usyoso sa nangyari. Syet. Nakakahiya. Ganun pala ang feeling na masangkot sa banggaan. Parang ang sarap maglaho.

Tinanong niya kung nasaan ako nakatira at sinagot ko naman. Since malapit lang, sumunod naman siya at doon nalang daw namin pag-usapan. May sumama pang isang nakamotor na lalaki. Ewan ko kung kasamahan niya ito o sadyang dakilang chismoso lang talaga siya.

Pagdating sa labas ng bahay, sabi niya na higit-kumulang 3,500 pesos daw yung damage. Pero hindi pa raw siya sigurado. Magtatanong pa raw siya sa hardware kinabukasan.

Eh, 2000 pesos lang ang dala ko. Nanghiram pa ako ng 1,500 sa tiyahin ko. Hiningi niya rin ang number ko para ma-contact daw ako kung kulang yung 3,500. Ako naman tong si "inosente" at binigay naman para maareglo na. Kinuha ko rin name and number niya.

Sabi rin niya na wag daw akong mag-alala dahil may resibo naman daw yong bibilhin niyang spare parts kung sakaling kukulangin. Napa-Oo nalang ako para matapos na.

Umalis na yung dalawa at umalis rin ako para magwithdraw. Kailangan kong bayaran yung 1500 na inutang ko sa tiyahin ko.

Pag-uwi ko, nalaman pala ng "concerned" kong kuya na nakabangga ako. Nagalit siya dahil dinala ko pa daw sa bahay at binigay pa ang number ko. Dapat daw kung areglo, areglo na. Wala nang dagdag. Aba, malay ko ba? Eh, first time ko!

Tiningnan ko ang cellphone ko, baka at least man lang nagreply siya.

Walang message.

Leche.

Ang mahal ng text niya.

OUT closeta, OUT!

2008-12-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

Never in my wildest imaginations have I considered OUTing myself. But yesterday, pooof!! it became koko krunch!

I mean, I'm suddenly OUT to the three of my closest friends.

May mga bagay na sadyang kay hirap tanggapin o kahit man lang harapin. Para sa akin, isa na dito ang aking gender preference.

Maski sa sarili ko, hirap ako. Let alone na malaman pa ng iba. Kahit sa closest friends ko pa, which by the way, mga kasapi rin ng pink mafia. Ewan, hindi lang siguro ako kompurtable. May mga ganung bagay naman talaga diba?

Siguro, panghabang-buhay na kasi yung pag-a-OUT. Once nasabi mo na, wala nang bawian. No return, no exchange. Anuman ang resulta, panindigan mo. Kung ok naman, edi good. Kung bad reaction, manigas ka.

Yung aminan na nangyari kagabi habang nag si-shisha kami, wala sa plano. Hindi pinaghandaan. Peste, they caught me off-guard. Kaya ayun. May point pa bang i-deny?

So far, ok naman. Naging masaya rin naman ako't naging open ako sa kanila. Ganun din naman sila sa akin. Wala rin naman akong pagsisisi...

...as of now.

And so the Earth shook

2008-12-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

Sa pagsilang kay Kristo,
Nayanig ang mundo...

Earthquake 11:20am December 25, 2008

Pasko

2008-12-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

Since nung Christmas ng 2007, medyo hindi ko na feel ang essence ng pasko. 'Di tulad nang dati, ibang-iba na talaga. Wala nang traditional family get-together sa side nila mama. Iilang regalo nalang ang natanggap ko. Iilan na lang rin ang binigay ko. Wala masyadong ingay. Wala na ring exchange gifts at Christmas party. Ang dahilan ng lahat: ang salot na Krisis.

Kahit ngayong Pasko, ganun din. Medyo hindi ko na maramdaman ang essence ng pasko. Sa mall, puno nga ng tao, kokonti lang naman ang may bitbit na pinamili. Karamihan nagpapalamig lang at namamasyal. Bibihira na rin akong makarinig ng mga Christmas songs at siguro, mahigit sa 40% ang binaba ng bilang ng mga nagka-carol sa labas. Matamlay na nga ang pasko. Malungkot.

Pero kanina lang, napadrive-by kami sa isang convenience store para bumili ng yosi. Habang nasa loob ang kasama ko, napansin ko sa tabi ang isang taong grasa. Nakahimlay sa malamig na tiles. Tulog. Sa tapat nya, may isang styrofoam na may kanin at ulam. Napangiti ako. Hindi ko alam kung pinulot niya lang ito sa kung saan, o nilimos, o sadyang may busilak ang loob na nag-iwan nito para sa kanya habang natutulog sya. Mas gusto kong isipin yong panghuli. Nasabi ko sa sarili ko, ito, ito ang hinahanap kong essence ng Pasko. Hindi ko akalaing sa simpleng bagay ko lamang ito matatagpuan. Hindi sa regalo, hindi sa kainan.

PS: Pipikchuran ko sana siya kaso nagising siya. Nahiya ako at umalis nalang. Sayang, maganda sanang remembrance yun. Pang Wish ko lang at Maala-ala mo kaya ang drama.

Lahing Pinagmulan

2008-12-22T01:32:00.000-08:00

ating pakinggan dagundong ng tambol sa kagubatan.

waring humihiyaw na kulog ng katotohanan.

dagitab sa kalangitan pahiwatig ay katapangan.

indak ng babaylan, pusod ng ating kaalaman.

palaso ng mumbaki bakit ‘di mo iniintindi?

kulturang pinagmulan iyo nang inaapi.

banyagang kasuotan iyong pinahahalagahan.

bahag ng baylan iyong pinagtatawanan.

bul-ol o anito itinuturing mong dyablo.

sa batas ng kalikasan ito’y ‘di totoo.

iyong pakinggan

sigaw ng ating lahi

sa bawat pandidiri

kasaysaya'y humihikbi

Kulam

2008-12-22T01:28:00.000-08:00

Mula sa nakaraan hanggang sa kasalukuyan
Kakaibang galing ating inaasam
Natatagong sikreto ng kalikasan
Binigay sa atin ng Nakakaalam
Gawaing demonyo sa mata ng kamangmangan
Ngunit itoy sagrado sa totoong may alam
Hindi ito laruan o kaya nama’y libangan
Pagkat biyaya ito na dapat din igalang
Kapangyarihang inilihim upang di abusuhin
Ngayoy inilabas upang pagyamanin
Dakilang biyaya mula sa Maykapal
Sa gawaing ito,nawa’y di tayo mawalan ng dangal
Orasyon, dasal o anumang katawagan
Ang mahalaga’y iisa lang ang patutunguhan
Hindi demonyo o engkanto
Kundi sa Dios o Diosa na mataas pa sa tao
Ito’y isang uri din ng pagdarasal
Na nagsisilbing koneksyon sa Maykapal
Ngunit produkto ng kalikasan ang gabay
Na likha ng Dios o Diosa na laging umaagapay
Ano bang masama sa ganitong gawain
Kung busilak naman ang hangarin
Oo nga't pwede ito sa itim na naisin
Ngunit di yaon sapat upang itoy sirain
Itim na budhi ng Pantas
Kaparusahan sa kanyay di aatras
Kung isinagawa sa ngalan ng pagmamahal
Kahilingan o dasal moy tiyak na ihahalal
Kapangyarihan ng kulam ay galing sa puso
At sa paniniwalang di pabugso-bugso
Sangkap mula sa kalikasan at talino ng kaisipan
Makakabuo ka ng mabisang kapangyarihan
Ikaw man ay pinagtatawanan sa ganitong larangan
Sila’y intindihin at huwag patulan
Pagkat alam ng Dios o Diosa ang katotohanan
Pagdating sa sining ng totoong mangkukulam.

INTERESTING CONVERSATION

2008-11-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY.
He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . .

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir..
Professor : So you Believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD Good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he P ray ed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD Good then ? Hmm ?

( Student is silent )

Professor : You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does Satan come from ?
Student : From . . . GOD . . .
Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make Everything. Correct ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil ?

( Student does not answer )

Professor : Is there Sickness ? Immorality ? Hatred ? Ugliness ? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, who Created them ?

( Student has no answer )

Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD ?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD ?
Student : No , sir..
Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD ? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter ?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son ?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor : Yes. Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat ?
Professor : Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as Cold ?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.

( The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events )

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

( There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor ? Is there such a thing as Darkness ?
Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness ?
Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light , Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it ? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you ?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how ?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life : just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you Teach your Students that they Evolved from a Monkey ?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir ?

( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor, are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir ? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher ?

( The Class is in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain ?

( The Class breaks out into Laughter )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelled it ? . . No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that
you have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir ?

( The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable )

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student : That is it sir . . . the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.

Kawawang Bakla

2008-11-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

ni JOHN LAPUS

Si Carol Dauden, na isang magaling aktres, at si Aiza Seguera, na mahusay na mang-aawit, ay umamin na-sila ay mga tomboy. Mukha naman silang masaya sa kanilang pag-amin. Mas naging malaya sila. Natanggap naman sila ng mga pamilya nila at mga kaibigan. Pero bakit ang mga bakla sa showbiz, isang damukal ang ayaw umamin. Yung iba, tumanda na, at yung iba naman, namatay na pero hindi umamin. Namatay nang nagtatago. Namatay nang hindi malaya. Kawawang bakla.

Sabi ng mga kaibigan kong tomboy, minsan daw, nakaka-get sila ng babaeng makaka-s*x nang hindi nila binabayaran. Para ding mga straight guys na minsan talk show lang at isang bote ng beer, confirmed na! Yung mga baklang mukhang babae at maganda, siguro nakaka-get ng libre, pero prangkahan na, yung iba hindi.

Kahit mayaman ang bakla or sikat at powerful, pay pa din. Yung iba, hindi cash. Minsan, career or trabaho. Minsan, damit or rubber shoes. Basta, may kapalit pa rin. May mga kaibigan akong nagmamaganda. Mahal daw sila ng kanilang mga straight boyfriends. I asked them, "Try niyo nga huwag bigyan 'yan ng allowance or work, tignan ko lang kung boyfriend mo pa 'yan." Ayaw naman nila i-try. Kawawang bakla.

Ang dami kong kilalang tomboy na ang girlfriend babaeng totoo 'tapos tumagal ang relasyon. Sa mga bakla, ang tumatagal lang yung bakla sa baklang relasyon. Kawawang bakla.

Lima na ang kakilala kong baklang pinatay. Yung dalawa, ka-close ko pa. Nagkaroon tuloy ng chismis na baka may gay serial killer. Pero tomboy, walang masyadong pinapatay. Naisip ko, itong mga gay killers, they know na kaya nilang patayin ang mga kawawang bakla na biktima nila. Honestly, minsan naisip ko, kung meron kayang bakla na serial killer naman ng mga lalaki? Bongga, di ba? Pero mga salbahe lang ang pinapatay niya. Kaya lang 'pag nahuli, kawawang bakla.

Parang boring ang kumalat na picture ng Mocha girls na naghahalikan. Pero kung member ng all-male group ang may kumalat na picture na naglalaplapan, kahit biruan lang din tulad ng sa Mocha, I'm sure-manicure-pedicure-kulot, hanggang next year ay headline 'yon. Pagchi-chismisan sa beauty parlor, palengke, school, opisina, prisinto, at sa batis habang naglalaba. Kasi recently ko lang nalaman, na 'pag dalawang babae pala ang naghalikan, natuturn-on ang mga lalaki. Pero 'pag dalawang lalaki ang naghalikan, hindi naman natuturn-on ang mga babae, worst, nandidiri sila. Biased, di ba? Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang mga lalaki nambabae, sasabihin "macho." Pero pag namakla, "kadiri." Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang bakla mukhang babae, maganda. Pero ang babae pag mukang bakla, pangit. Hahaha. Kawawang bakla.

Eto, talagang totoo. Pag ang baklang pa-girl malaki ang nota, alaskado siya sa mga kaibigan niyang bakla. Ang tomboy na pamin pag matambok ang pechay, kaiinggitan ng mga kaibigan niyang tomboy. Suwerteng tomboy, kawawang bakla.

Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tomboy at accepted ng family nila. Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tagong bakla. Yung iba umamin na lang noong patay na ang tatay nila. Kawawang bakla.

Pag may dumaan na bakla, sumisigaw ang mga batang kalye ng, "Bakla! Bakla!" Pero parang hindi pa ako nakarinig na sumigawsila ng, "Tomboy! Tomboy!" Kawawang bakla.

Ang mga baklang nakadamit-babae, posibleng mabastos pag pumasok sa C.R. ng boys. Pag ang tomboy pumasok sa C.R. ng girls, okay lang na nakadamit-lalaki. Hindi kaya dahil lalaki lang ang nambabastos? Kawawang bakla.

Nabanggit ko na ito dati. Ang dami kong nakikitang tomboy na may ka-holding hands na babae. May nakita na ba kayongn baklang hinolding hands ng boyfriend niya? In public, ha. Kawawang bakla.

Yung isang kaibigan kong tomboy, tuwang-tuwa daw ang tatay niyang sundalo nang malamang tomboy siya. Yung kaibigan kong bakla, binugbog ng tatay na sundalo nang malamang bakla. Kaloka. Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang anak na lalaki or babae masama ang ugali, ang tawag "black sheep." Pag bakla ang anak na masama ang ugali, ang tawag "salot." May kaibigan nga ako na mabait naman, salot pa din ang turing ng pamilya. Maryosep, kawawang bakla.

Kadalasan ang lalaki, kapag nakikipag-break sa girlfriend nila, kasi may ibang babae. Kapag ang lalaki, nakikipag-break sa bakla, kasi may ibang bakla or babae. Heto ang kakaiba, may kaibigan akong bakla, iniwan siya ng jowa niya kasi nag-born again. Ang say ni bakla, "Anong palagay niya sa akin, demonyo?" Kawawang bakla.

Naging malaking issue nang tawagin ni Joey de Leon na "mukhang aswang" si Pokwang. Dahil siguro magkatapat sila ng show. Sabi ni Willie Revillame, kawawa naman daw ang anak ni Pokwang kasi tinutukso sa school. Naisip ko lang, kung bakla ang co-host sa Wowowee at sinabihang "mukhang aswang" ni Joey, masasabi rin kaya ni Willie na kawawa naman ang mga pamangkin ni bakla kasi tinutukso sa school? Ano sa sa plagay niyo? Sana naman...Kasi 'pag hindi, kawawa si bakla.

May mga artistang babae at lalaki na pangit na, wala pang laman ang utak. Itsura pa lang kasi, nakakatawa na. Ang mga baklang pangit, kailangan medyo witty at matalino. Kung hindi, kawawa kang bakla ka.

Ang batang lalaki 'pag kumikendeng, sasabihin "bakla paglaki." 'Pag ang batang babae, macho kumilos, sasabihin ay "boyish" lang. Kawawang baklita.

Ang mga babae tuwang-tuwa 'pag pumupunta sa gay bar. Ang mga bakla, kawawa sa pandidiri 'pag pumunta sa girlie bar. Sure ako diyan. Sinama ako dati ng mga kaibigan kong lalaki, awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Huhuhu.

Nakakatawa pero nakakasad yung joke na ito (buti na lang joke):

PARI: Ang mga bakla ay hindi makakapasok sa langit.
BAKLA: Ok lang 'yon Father. Doon na lang kami sa Rainbow, magslide-slide.

Which made me think. Ang mga bakla lang ang makakaisip ng ganoon. Hindi na papasukin sa langit pero nakuha pang mag-taray at lumigaya sa pag-slide sa rainbow.

Dito sa Pilipinas, sa Quezon City na lang, tabi-tabi ang gay bar. Lesbian bar, may nakita ka na? Alam niyo ba na may mga spa at massage parlor na para lang sa mga bakla? Bongga!

Walang baklang istambay. As in pang lalaki lang ang word na 'yan. Yun nga lang, may baklang pusher at bugaw pero may trabaho pa din. Bihira ang baklang holdaper. Yung kumukuha na lang ng hindi kanila. May na-meet na akong baklang snatcher at akyat-bahay, at least, nag-effort muna sa pagtakbo at pag-akyat. Hahaha.

Ang word na "pink peso" ay dedicated daw sa pera na kinikita at ginagastos ng mga bakla. Madami daw bakla sa call center na pinapayagang mag-boses babae kasi boses babae talaga. I doubt kung madaming tomboy ang boses lalaki. Aminin.

May kaibigan akong tomboy na nag-commit ng suicide after iwan ng girlfriend. Ang mga bakla 'pag iniwan ng jowa, mababaliw lang-iiyak...mag-e-emote...magkukulong sa kwarto...magluluto...magpapa-parlor...' tapos may jowa na ulit. Taray! I should know.

Mas madaming bakla ang nanalo sa mga make-up at hair style competition. Oo naman. Ang mga bakla, may taste. Pag sinabi naming pangit, pangit talaga 'yon. Pero pag sinabi naming maganda, ay maganda talaga 'yon. May kaibigan akong lalaki. May pina-date sa akin na barkada daw niyang guwapo. Sa barkada nila, 'yon daw ang pinaka-guwapo. Nang makita ko, ang naisip ko lang, "Diyos ko po! Ano pa itsura ng pangit sa barkada nila?" May barkada naman akong babae. Pinakilala sa akin yung manliligaw niya. Super guwapo daw. Pucha, pagkakita ko, napa-C.R. ako.

Ang mga bakla, masaya kasama. Maingay, nakakatawa at hindi boring. Come to think of it. Hindi rin pala kami masyadong kawawa. Mga bakla, tara na sa Rainbow at mag-slide-slide in this particular order:

RED- Mga baklang pa-girl, operada at mukhang babae. Go, mga sisters!

ORANGE- Mga batang bakla. Slide na, mga anak!

YELLOW- Mga baklang may asawa at anak. You deserved to be happy. Slide na!

GREEN- Mga paminta, mukhang lalaki, members ng guys4men.com. Slide na, mga pare!

INDIGO- Mga baklang Diva at Mama. Halina mga sisters. Mama Ricky, kapit lang po mabuti. Sunod na po ako in a while.

VIOLET- Mga baklang bisexual, dito kayo kasi alanganing red, alanganing blue. Go!

BLUE- Mga baklang tago at ayaw umamin, dito kayo. Kahit hindi kayo umaamin, may karapatan din kayong mag-slide sa rainbow natin. Ingat lang sa pagtili at baka mabuking. Diyan kayo sa dulo para hindi mahalata ng bayan na nakikipaglaro kayo sa amin. Don't worry, we understand. Alam ko, kawawa din kayo.

Sssshhhh....

One-sided Love Affair

2008-07-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Since I was young, I knew I was different. I would rather not classify myself. 'Coz classifying could lead to stereotyping. Loud, bitchy, cross-dresser, parlorista, too feminine... In short, GAY. This stereotype doesn't apply to all. At least, not to me. I'm not that loud. I'm not that bitchy. I never cross-dressed. (Well, I did just for the sake of stage performance.) I'm not feminine and never dreamed of being a parlorista. I don't want to become a girl. I like boys as much as I like girls. "Bisexual" as others would put it. Whatever term you give to it, one thing will always be certain. I'm different.

Being different was never easy. I become "left out" of the group. I sometimes even have to pretend. A life full of pretensions... Fitting in was never a problem if you are a great pretender. I sometimes don't even recognize myself anymore. I may have fooled others but whatever I do, I cannot fool my heart.

People like me are not that different from the "normal" heterosexual Homo Sapiens. We get hungry and eat as much as they do. We can be sensible, funny and fun to be with. We sometimes can even do things better than they could. We feel happy. We feel sad. We laugh. We cry. We get horny... And we fall in love.

If love is hard to find between heterosexuals, imagine how much more in people like me. We love people who can never love us back. Knowing this, we are still so stubborn that we continue to love. To look for love. To hope for love. Plain martyrdom. I wonder why can't they love us back. I mean, we are still humans, aren't we? We can love as much as anybody can love. We can care far better than the opposite sex can. We can make you happy even if it means sacrificing something important to us. Every time I remember the guy I love, I end up with two things. I envy him and I pity myself. 'Coz I come to realize nobody loves me and cares for me as much as I love and care for him.

I became a fan of Gay Indie Films. Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, Ang lihim ni Antonio, Sikil, The Love of Siam, Eternal Summer, Lalaki sa Parola, and many more. They depict different sides of people like me. All have different stories to tell. Most of which are true-to-life happenings in the pink world. They have one thing in common though. All ends up with tears. One-sided Love Affair. Is it a trend? Are people like me doomed to a life of eternal pain, tears and hopeless heartbreaks forever? Can someone love me for what I am?

"Sana naging babae nalang ako. Hindi dahil gusto ko, kundi dahil siguro kung naging babae ako, maaari niya na akong mahalin..."

They say true love has no conditions, no boundaries, no limitations, no standards, no preferences. You will be loved for whoever you are and whatever you are. If so, why then can't they love people like me? It seems that they are not capable of True Love after all.